Chaos
by JustBored21
Summary: Harry gets thrown back in time and ends up in his ten year old body. This time, he's going to do everything different, this time he will have a proper relationship with the love of his life who happens to be a Siren and this time he's not playing Dumbledore's games.Dumbledore, Hermione, select Weasley bashing. Harry x original character. Crazy, overpowered and insane Harry
1. Chapter 1

Chaos

Harry woke up, he found himself in the dark. He couldn't see anything, there was a bad smell in the corner. His head hurt a lot, he briefly wondered if he had passed out drunk but remembered that he quit drinking after the fourth time he got drunk and rode a dragon.

"Get up!" An annoying voice shouted as he had heard loud knocking coming from his right "NOW!"

Harry's jaw had dropped, it had worked! It had actually worked! Crystal was right! He had actually managed to go back in time!

Harry may have currently been in his ten year old body, but he was actually twenty one, in a way. Harry had lived a long and painful life, being a pawn to Dumbledore's stupid plans. He had defeated Voldemort after years of pain and judgment from others, only to be forced into a marriage contract with Ginny Weasley that Dumbledore had tricked him into signing.

Though Harry wasn't mad at Ginny, she was also forced into the contract. It's true that the two dated briefly in his sixth year but they both agreed it wouldn't work and separated. Despite being married the two agreed that they would be allowed to see other people.

It was shortly after this that Harry discovered his true love, a girl named Crystal Peters. She was a Hufflepuff in Harry's year, but he never interacted with her in school. She made Harry happy, happier than anyone had ever made him.

She had a fun personality, and like Harry she didn't really care for the rules or for adults. She taught Harry to let go, to have fun and embrace his true self. The self that really didn't give a damn for what other people thought of him, the self that allowed him to feel free. With her, he wasn't the boy-who-lived, he was Harry. Just Harry, crazy Harry who wanted nothing more than to have fun.

Shortly after meeting each other, the two had discovered a ritual that would be able to send Harry back in time. And seeing as the present was currently just a bunch of purebloods ruining the government and good people suffering, Harry didn't really mind going back and changing it. Sadly the ritual would only let one person go back, so Crystal couldn't go, but this time around Harry would make sure he and Crystal had more time together.

The last time Crystal was kept away from Harry by Dumbledore, the important thing you had to know about Crystal as that she was a Siren thanks to her grand mum, who was also a Siren. Sirens were a lot different from what people thought they were, true she had a brilliant voice and could grow wings but she never tried to harm Harry.

An important thing that people forgot to tell you was that despite having an allure similar to that of a Veela, a Siren bonded to one person and one person only. Veela's were just like any normal person when it came to relationships but Sirens could only stick with one person.

Last time around Dumbledore had kept Crystal away from Harry after the two had briefly touched each other by accident when they passed each other in Harry's sixth year, Crystal had realised that the bond was formed and went to the teachers for advice.

Dumbledore found out and kept Crystal away from Harry, not really caring that it was affecting her health by staying away from him. Her life span was cut down immediately and she became sickly and would likely have died because of that. Only meeting Harry after school had finished had allowed her time to recover long enough to help him. Crystal died two months before Harry had left, Harry lived two months of sorrow and pain until Ginny came to him and reminded him that he promised her he'd enjoy life.

Harry stepped out of the cupboard, feeling a bit annoyed at how weak his body was. Back in his time Harry was the world's most powerful wizard and he would've been tons more powerful if the Dursley's hadn't stunted his magical growth by underfeeding him. Fortunately the ritual had allowed him to keep his magical powers from his previous life so he could add that to his current power.

"Get in here" His aunts voice brought him out of his thoughts, Harry walked into the kitchen where his aunt told him to make food.

Harry saw his fat uncle drinking tea and reading a newspaper, he also saw the pile of presents and he remembered that today would be Dursley's birthday and the day that he went to the zoo. Harry remembered being weak and well behaved in that previous life, and that got him forced into a loveless marriage whilst being put on a pedestal he didn't want to be on after years of torment and being miserable then losing the love of his life.

No, he wouldn't let that happen again. This time, he was going to do things his way. This time he knew about the world, he knew who his enemies were and who his friends were and he knew how he'd play it. This time he was free, and this time, he'd show everyone what true chaos looked like.

"Hurry up" His uncle demanded "bring my coffee boy"

"Okay" Harry clicked his fingers and a cup of coffee appeared next to his uncle.

"Ah!" His uncle jumped up to his feet and jumped back as if Harry had just unleashed a swarm of bees. 'Note to self' Harry thought 'remember to release a swarm of bees later'.

"What did you do?!" Vernon roared

"I brought you coffee" Harry said innocently "now I'm going to go start cooking" Harry clicked his fingers and the food appeared, this time his aunt saw it and screamed "there, I'm done".

Dudley chose that moment to run into the room, Harry decided to teach his cousin why he shouldn't run indoors. Dudley didn't notice that his shoelaces had untied themselves and immediately tied themselves together, by the time he did notice them he had landed face first on the floor.

"Dudley!" Petunia screamed

"You!" Vernon turned to Harry so he could blame him for what happened but was very surprised to see the boy had gone.

"Uncle Vernon" A mischievous voice called, Vernon and Petunia looked at Harry who had a big grin on his face "I love magic, don't you?"

"You little freak!" Vernon shouted and charged at Harry though he was surprised when he could no longer move, Petunia grabbed a frying pan and charged as well when she found that she also couldn't move. Dudley, he just charged because it gave him an excuse to try and hit Harry but he was also frozen.

"I just wanted to let you all know that I'm leaving now" Harry smiled "I know about magic and I know what I can do, now I could just kill you all but I'd rather have fun. Now, I'd just like to say I hate you all and goodbye." Harry popped out of the room, releasing the Dursley's.

"What happened?" Dudley asked after he stumbled on to the ground

"Petunia" A red Vernon turned to his wife "how did the boy know?!"

"I don't know how the freak knew!" Petunia screamed

"Oh" Harry popped back in "I forgot, I think it's best if we show the world who the real freaks are. That's you three idiots by the way."

"Now see here" Vernon stood up but found himself and his family outside before he could do anymore.

"That's better" Harry clapped, he aimed his fingers up into the air and shot off large fireworks, he waved his other hand and all the car alarms in the area went off "goodbye" He laughed and popped away.

The neighbours had looked out of the windows or come out of the house to see what all the fuss was about when they saw the Dursley's. Some screamed, some puked and some fainted at the sight in front of them.

The confused Dursley's had no idea why everyone was looking at them, until they turned to each other and saw what all the fuss was about. Dudley was wearing a pink ballerina costume, Uncle Vernon was completely naked whilst Aunt Petunias hair had turned red and she was now wearing a witch costume.

The three tried to get back into the house but they were horrified to find out that the door was locked. Petunia had actually broken down into tears later when the police arrived and took the three away.

'Yep' Harry thought 'I am going to throw this entire country into chaos'

* * *

"Dumbledore!" McGonagall arrived in the headmasters office with a furious expression

"Yes?" Dumbledore asked his deputy

"I told you not to leave Potter with those muggles!"

"Mr Potter?!" Dumbledore jumped to his feet "Is he alright?!"

"No, his Hogwarts letter has been sent" McGonagall replied "but it was addressed to Diagon alley and it was returned with the words 'don't wanna' written on it."

"What? Let me see it" Dumbledore snatched the letter out of her hands, and true to her word it had 'don't wanna' written on it. "Did you say he was in Diagon alley?"

"Not anymore, I went there but Tom has told me that he has left. Think Albus! Can you imagine what happens if Mr Potter doesn't attend Hogwarts?!"

"Worry not Minerva, I have a plan" Dumbledore assured his deputy

* * *

True to his words Harry had received a letter a day or two later saying attendance was not optional as the ministry had recently made it a law that all magical humans had to attend Hogwarts. Harry smirked at Dumbledore's desperation to have him.

In truth, Harry was always going to go to Hogwarts, he needed to so he could meet Crystal again. He just wanted to cause trouble for Dumbledore, Harry had already made his way to Gringotts and sorted a few things out with the goblins and the end result was brilliant.

Harry got a new key, Dumbledore no longer had access to his accounts and Dumbledore had to return all the money he had took. Harry also claimed his title as lord of the Potter house and had the goblins agree to put one of his properties in a fidelius charm where he was the secret keeper.

Dumbledore spent ages trying to find him, Harry admired that man's persistence even though it annoyed him. Harry counted down the days until he had to arrive at the station, the days until he'd be reunited with Crystal.

Harry arrived at the station, he merrily pushed his trolley without a care in the world. He had stopped when he heard a familiar voice echo through the air.

"Packed with muggles" Molly Weasleys voice drilled into his ears, not caring for the statue of secrecy "Come on, platform nine and three quarters this way"

Harry looked at the Weasley family and he mentally divided them into two groups, hate and like. The twins and Ginny were definitely in the like column, he never had any problems with Ginny and the twins were honest and kind. He put Arthur, Bill and Charlie in the same column even though they weren't there, then he moved on to the other column.

Percy, the pompous prat had wanted to arrest him in his fifth year and treated him like a criminal after the war ended and blamed him for not preventing Fred's death even though Harry was currently battling the worst dark lord in Brittan at the time.

'Note to self' Harry thought 'make sure Fred stays alive at least until he's eighty, preferably longer'

Then there was Molly 'I am going to scream at you' Weasley, AKA 'the screamer' AKA 'Howler Weasley' AKA 'The ginger harpy'. There were more names but Harry couldn't remember them at the time, but he could probably come up with a few on his own.

He used to see the woman as a mother, so imagine his shock when he discovered that she was taking money out of his account and helped Dumbledore force Harry into marrying her daughter. And then there was her son, Ron.

Ron was Harry's brother in all but blood yet he decided to leave him hanging during the tri-wizard tournament and stole Harry's money for years while spying on him for Dumbledore and helping Dumbledore guide him into all of his tests along with Hermione.

"You know" Harry walked up to her as they stopped at the platform "the statue of secrecy exists for a reason" The twins and Ginny giggled while Molly dropped her jaw at the boy. Percy was somewhere between wanting to tell him off for talking to his mother while also wanting to agree with him. Ron just looked confused but that was normal for him. "Goodbye"

Harry ran before they could respond and made his way through the barrier. He quickly made his way on to the train before the Weasley family could follow, he found an empty compartment and secured his trunk before he sat down.

* * *

He sat down thinking about what Hogwarts would be like this time around. How he would deal with the strict but 'fair' McGonagall who only really seemed to do her job when it meant getting Harry in trouble. The greasy bat known as Snape and the world's oldest annoyance, Dumbledore.

"Excuse me" Ronald interrupted his thoughts as he stood on the door way, Harry could see his fake nerves and mentally cursed himself for ever falling for it "do you mind, everywhere else is full?"

"The hallways aren't" Harry pointed out

"What do you mean?" A confused Ron asked

"You can sit in the hallway" Harry clarified "or stand if you want, I don't judge"

"But your compartments empty!"

"You're also in a train that can add compartments while expanding the current compartments to fit everyone in" Harry informed him, taking delight in the reddening of Ron's face "besides, someone is sitting with me" Harry added

"Who?!" Ron demanded

"My friends" Harry extended his wrist and a large amount of spiders flew out of his wrists. Ron screamed and ran as fast as he could. Harry laughed as he vanished the spiders, he tried to remember who came next.

"Have you seen a toad?" Hermione Granger opened the doorway "a boy named Neville has lost one"

Harry looked out the window, thinking up a way to punish the girl he once considered a sister. Until he realised that she was also spying on him for Dumbledore and taking his money whilst leading him into tasks that Dumbledore set up. Dumbledore had initially tried to set the two up together and when that didn't work he forced Ginny on him and had her be his spy.

He was about to answer her when he noticed something a few windows down, something that made his eyes go wide and his mouth drop. He saw the bright honey brown hair attached to the thin face that held those brilliant golden eyes he had come to love.

She was reaching out, trying to catch a handkerchief that had somehow gotten attached to the side of the train.

"Excuse me" Hermione said "I asked you a question"

"Forgive me" Harry opened the window "but I have better people to waste my time with than you, goodbye" Without a seconds hesitation Harry jumped out of the window, leaving a panicking and shocked Hermione.

Crystal Peters was reaching out, trying to grab the white handkerchief that her mother had given her before she left for Hogwarts. Crystal was a siren who was raised by her mum after her dad died, her mother gave her this gift to remember her while she was at school and she didn't want to lose it.

Suddenly a hand reached out and grabbed it for her, she was startled and looked up to see a boy hanging from the side of the train. Holding her handkerchief in his hands, he looked awestruck by something and kept his eyes focused on her.

"Uh…hi" Crystal said nervously

"Hi" The boy's lips curled upwards

"I…I'm Crystal Peters"

"I'm Harry" The green eyed boy introduced himself "Harry Potter"

"Harry Potter? Wait, aren't you supposed to be famous or something?"

"You can say that" Harry shrugged "would you like your handkerchief back?"

"Uh, yes…t...thank you" Crystal gingerly reached out and took the handkerchief from him, her finger brushed against his and she felt a tingle go through her body.

"You're welcome" Harry smiled, knowing what has just happened "I…I guess I should go" Harry looked in the direction he had came from.

"Wait" Crystal put her hands up to stop him "why don't you just come in?"

"Since you're offering" Harry slid through the window as Crystal stepped back, thanks to good eating and potions Harry had managed to get a bit taller and was now an inch or so bigger than Crystal "thank you"

"You're welcome but what were you doing on the side of the train?"

"I looked out the window and saw you needed help" Harry answered

"I needed help, that's your only reason?" She looked at him with disbelief

"I don't need a reason to help you" Harry shrugged "I guess I should get going now, see you at Hogwarts?"

"Uh…yeah" Crystal nodded "it was…nice to meet you"

"You too" Harry opened the door and walked out "I hope to spend more time with you in the future."

Harry whistled happily as he skipped down the hallway, he had a massive goofy smile on his face and felt on top of the world. He stopped when he found the Weasley twins standing in the way.

"Oh, someone looks happy Fred" George noted

"Indeed George" Fred nodded "why so cheery little man?"

"Why not?" Harry shrugged "Can't a man ever just be cheery? If there is a law against that then I recommend we break it as soon as possible"

"Ooh, I like this one Gred" Fred said to his brother

"Me too Feorge" George replied

"I like you two too but I have to go back to my compartment" Harry smiled, he then looked George straight in the eye "now look after your brother, it's not his fault that he's not good looking as you".

"Hey" Fred objected

"Just joking" Harry grinned "lighten up a little." Harry made his way past too stunned twins and back to his compartment.

"Are you crazy?!" Hermione had just caught sight of him

"Oh yes" Harry freely admitted "I am absolutely insane, chaos and insanity are my middle name….or at least they will be once I've filled in the correct forms. Anyway, see ya"

"Wait, where are you going?"

"I'm going to my compartment and I'm going sleep"

"But we'll be arriving soon"

"And I'll be sleeping sooner, goodbye." Harry walked past her but stopped before he got into his compartment and looked at her "you have dirt on your nose by the way" he added before closing the door.

Hermione tried to open it several times but Harry had locked it with locking charms, she tried calling for his name but silencing charms fixed that.

* * *

Soon everyone arrived at Hogwarts, the first years had all gotten out of the train when Hagrid called them. Hagrid had never really done anything other than be loyal to Dumbledore, Harry was going to keep his distance but he wasn't going to go out of his way to antagonise the man.

Soon the first years got on the boats and they made their way to the castle, Harry to his annoyance found himself on a boat with Neville, Hermione and Ron. He didn't mind Neville but Ron and Hermione were not two people he wanted to spend time with.

"So Harry" Ron said "do you like quidditch?"

"Yeah" Harry nodded, Ron lit up until Harry added the next part "I support Puddlemere united, they demolished the cannons. I don't even know why the cannons still exist, they should just be disbanded, they're rubbish"

Ron looked at Harry as if he had insulted his mother, though Harry would honestly do that if the opportunity came up. Harry sighed and looked around when he saw another boat with only one occupant in it.

"The cannons are not rubbish!" Ron said, preparing to defend his team with his life.

"Huh?" Harry said, not looking at him "whatever, I have to go."

"What do you mean?" A shy Neville asked

"True love awaits" Was all Harry said before he dived into the lake, many people looked at him in shock. Harry swam all the way to the other boat where Crystal sat. Before climbing in. "Hello Crystal"

"Uh…hi Harry" Crystal replied "you….you do realise that you're wet?"

"I believe that happens when you swim in a lake"

"Oh…okay. So, why did you swim in the lake?"

"You looked lonely" Harry answered honestly

"You swam all the way here because I looked lonely?" She looked at him with disbelief

"Yes" Harry nodded without any hesitation

"Uh…thank you" Crystal was a bit surprised, she knew that Harry wasn't being nice to her because of her allure, she wasn't supposed to develop an allure until she was at least sixteen plus Harry was the only one acting this way. "I…wait, how did you do that?" She said, just noticing that he had become completely dry.

"Drying charm" Harry smiled "magic is so useful, isn't it?"

* * *

They arrived at Hogwarts, they waited outside the hall waiting to be called in. Harry was talking with Crystal when a familiar annoyance made his presence known.

"So it's true then" Malfoy said "what they're saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts, this is Crabbe amd Goyle and my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy"

"Licensed to kill?" Harry joked, a few muggleborns laughed, understanding the reference.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Draco demanded, thinking that they were laughing at him

"Muggle reference" Harry explained "you introduce yourself the same way as a fictional muggle character"

Before Malfoy could respond, McGonagall came in and called them in. Harry used to really respect McGonagall until he realised that she was basically just Dumbledore's yes woman who did whatever he told her even if it meant that Harry would suffer.

They walked into the hall, Harry could sense the nerves coming off Crystal. He saw everyone look up into the sky, he could see Hermione looking smug and preparing to open her mouth.

"It's an enchanted sky" Harry said to Crystal but said it so it was loud enough for people nearby to hear him. Hermione briefly looked furious at him for saying it before she could but she could compose herself.

"So...you've read 'Hogwarts: A history' as well?" Hermione asked

"Please" Harry scoffed "I would never read that garbage" Hermione looked offended by Harry's description of the book.

They all stopped and the sorting began, everyone soon began getting sorted. Harry didn't really care about the others getting sorted so he didn't really pay attention until it was Malfoy's turn. Malfoy swaggered up to the stool, Harry discreetly sent a tripping hex to Malfoy's feet causing him to trip and hit his face off the stool.

Many openly began laughing, Harry being one of them. Malfoy, who had chipped a tooth, got up and sat down on the stool. His face was currently more red than Ron's hair. He was soon sorted into Slytherin, he had stood up and tried to walk to the Slytherin table. Not before Harry sent another spell which caused Malfoy's pants to drop mid-walk. As Malfoy quickly tried to pull his pants up to cover his bright red underwear and ignore the laugh, Harry focused on Crystals laughs and at the moment he had found a new patronous memory.

Soon it was Crystals turn to go up on stage and be sorted, Harry wished her luck and she went up. Harry watched as the sorting hat was placed on her head, a few minutes later she was a proud member of Hufflepuff. He smiled as he saw her take her seat, smiling at the other Hufflepuff's.

"Harry" Ron nudged him and pointed at McGonagall. Apparently Harry had been staring too long and his name had been called. Harry walked up but stopped just before the stool.

"Can I just go to Hufflepuff?" Harry asked "they seem fun" The students all went silent, many were surprised that the boy-who-lived wanted to be in Hufflepuff. The Hufflepuff were rather pleased that they were the house that the great Harry Potter wanted to join.

"Mr Potter, sit down and take your seat" McGonagall instructed "the hat will decide where to put you" Harry eyed the sorting hat

"Fine" He sighed before pulling out his wand and firing a spell at the hat

"What did you do?!" McGonagall demanded

"A cleaning charm" Harry answered as he sat down on the stool "you have hundreds of kids wear it then you leave it in an office for an entire year before repeating the same thing. No way in hell am I going to put it on my head if it's not clean, I could get fleas."

"You are being ridiculous!"

"No, I am being Harry Potter, you should know as you're the one called my name." Harry smiled at the angry woman, many people in the hall began snickering and laughing. McGonagall put the hat on Harry, looking away from him after she did so.

'Hello' Harry said in his mind to the hat

'Hello Mr Potter, I must thank you for that cleaning charm. It's been so long since anyone has cleaned me'

'You're welcome, now put me in Hufflepuff'

'Hufflepuff? Are you sure you wouldn't rather go into Slytherin or Gryffindor?'

'Nah, Hufflepuff.'

'Ah, for your lady love? Ooh, time traveller, what an interesting mind'

'I know you can't tell the headmaster my secrets so I'm not worried about that, now you will put me in Hufflepuff or else'

'Oh' The hat said, it was planning to put him in Hufflepuff anyway but decided to see what Harry would do 'what happens if I refuse?'

'Don't test me hat, you'll regret it'

'I would like to see that' The hat challenged him

'If you insist' Harry looked deep into his mind to bring up the most disturbing memories he could think of, the memories that he had locked away so he could never see them again. He pulled out the memory of the one time he walked in on Dudley in the toilet

"Oh, Merlin, that's horrible. He's so fat and why are his legs so pale?!" The hat said out loud, confusing everybody. Harry then pulled out his memory of the time a drunk and half naked Aunt marge walked into his room after thinking it was hers. "Oh good godric, Salazar, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, stop! She's hideous! Why must you object me to such horrors?!" The hat screamed in horror, leaving many people to openly wonder what was happening.

"Now, for my final trick" Harry whispered before he pulled up the memory of the moment he vowed never to open a door without knocking, the moment where he walked in to the room to find Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia having sex.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The hat screamed in horror, startling many students and the professors "NO! NO, GODRIC NO! SALAZAR NO! ROWENA NO! HELGA NO! AAAAAHHHHHHH! THAT'S MOST HORRIFYING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! OH, IF I HAD EYES I WOULD GOUGE THEM OUT! HOW DOES THE SKIN MOVE LIKE THAT?! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE LIKE THAT! ARE THEY HUMAN?!" Dumbledore was looking particularly worried, the question on everyone's mind was what the hell is going on "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SHOWED ME THAT! YOU SADISTIC CRUEL BASTARD!" Many people openly gasped

"Control yourself!" McGonagall whispered furiously

"NO! AFTER THE HORRORS THAT I AHD JUST WITNESSED I HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT TO SHOUT AT THE FUCKING IDIOT WHO SHOWED ME THEM! YOU WANTED HUFFLEPUFF POTTER?! WELL YOU CAN BLOODY WELL HAVE IT! NOW GET YOUR MESSY HAIR AND YOUR BIG HEAD OUT OF ME AND NEVER PUT ME ON AGAIN! YOU'RE A HUFFLEPUFF! GO!"

"You know" Harry removed the hat and calmly handed it to Professor McGonagall "I think he liked me"

"Mr Potter" Dumbledore spoke "surely you would like to be in Gryffindor like your parents"

"Not really" Harry shook his head "I mean, no offense to the lions, eagles and snakes but have you ever seen a honey badger? They're downright vicious and capable of killing snakes, probably capable of killing eagles if they got close enough and I'm not sure about lions but I'm pretty sure that it'd be a challenge for either side."

"But Mr Potter..."

"Forget it Albus!" The hat interrupted "I am not putting that boy's head inside me again!"

"Nice to know that of all the people that could say that I get an ancient hat" Harry sighed, a few people got the joke but were too busy wondering what the hell was going on "either way, off to the badgers with me" Harry happily made his way over to the Hufflepuff table and sat next to Crystal. Everyone was still looking at him, they kept looking at him for a good ten minutes before they eventually snapped out of their trance and continued with the sorting.

'Yeah' Harry thought to himself 'this'll be fun'

Next time:

**"How did you get it to not kill you?!" Crystal asked, staring at the large beast standing in the great hall**

**"I don't know!" Harry smiled widely "I don't actually know how I got her either, last thing I remembered were some dead people and an old cat"**

**"Harry..." Cedric said slowly "in the nicest possible way, how drunk are you?"**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"Yes"**

* * *

A.N: Well guys, hoped you liked the chapter. This shouldn't be too long of a story and this is my first attempt at something purely about humor, I hope you like it and if not then fair enough but let's not be mean in our opinions. This story isn't going to be a particularly long one and it's not really my main focus, it's just something for me to do when I'm bored. I will mainly be focused on my other stories 'I'm not a hero' and 'Harry Potter and the Lightning Child'.

I will be posting new chapters for this story in-between writing those so I can just have a break from those stories, anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the story, feel free to leave a review.


	2. Chapter 2

Chaos

Harry was well aware of the stares that were shot his way during the feast but he didn't care, he had food in front of him and the love of his life next to him. What did he care what people thought of him?

"Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Cedric Diggory" Cedric extended a hand, Harry did his best to hide the sadness that came when he thought of Cedric. Cedric who died in that bloody tournament, this time Harry was going to make sure that Cedric at least lived long enough to qualify as an old man.

"Harry, Harry Potter" Harry shook his hand and smiled at the boy "nice to meet you"

"Got to say, didn't expect you in Hufflepuff"

"Why not?" Harry asked, he noticed a lot of people listening to him "What exactly is wrong with the house of Helga Hufflepuff, one of the greatest witches of all time? I'd be honoured just to be considered for the house" Many Hufflepuffs perked up at his words, pride suddenly washing over them.

"I bet everyone's going to be ecstatic about the fact that we have Harry Potter in Hufflepuff" Crystal said

"Yeah, Harry Potter is a Hufflepuff" Harry said before suddenly gasping "A 'Potter puff'! I'm a Potterpuff!"

"Oh Merlin" Crystal shook her head in amusement.

Soon the rest of the Hufflepuffs started introducing themselves to Harry while they all ate. It was at this point that Harry noticed Crystal had placed her leg against his, and occasionally tried to subtly touch their hands together.

He knew why, as a Siren she occasionally needed contact and not having contact would cause her a lot of physical pain, that's why in his original timeline she was so sick and weak and thin. He still thought she was beautiful but she could have been so much more beautiful if she was healthy.

Harry continued to talk to others but pressed the side of his hand against Crystals, she didn't remove her hand but looked at him with surprise. Harry shot her a quick wink before he continued talking with Susan Bones. Crystal couldn't help the blush that came on her face but hid it well and continued eating.

"Harry" Hannah said "what did you do the sorting hat?" Many people suddenly became quiet and listened in.

"Well, I wanted to go to Hufflepuff but it was arguing with me" Harry explained "and it was wasting my time, so I threatened him . I just showed him a few things I unintentionally walked in to."

"Were they that bad?" Susan asked

"A hat that has been around for hundreds and hundreds of years and has viewed many minds of many different people burst out in horror and shock and is refusing to come near me again. You tell me" Susan blushed a little in embarrassment

"With that being said, I am not telling anyone what those memories were because I'm locking them away in my mind, never to be viewed or thought of again. Because if I do then it's a coin flip between obliviating myself and jumping off the astronomy tower"

"That bad?" Crystal said sympathetically

"Finding a dead rat on the street is bad, finding a dead body is bad, discovering that a baby has pooped in your room is bad. What I saw was horrifying" Harry couldn't help the shudder that came over his body. "Anyway, forget me, actually I have a question. How fussed are you lot about winning the house cup and all that?"

"Uh…we'd like to win" Cedric said "but we've not won in ages so we don't really mind if we don't win. Why do you ask?"

"I just have a feeling that you're going to lose a lot of points since I'm here" Harry answered honestly, at that moment he felt a mental probe in his mind. He recognised it, he didn't know how but somehow the probe felt greasy, he knew it was Snape.

Fortunately he hadn't yet gotten rid of the memories he showed the hat and he brought them to the front of his mind to show Snape. A second later Snape had vomited on Quirrell.

* * *

The Hufflepuffs talked for a while before they were sent back to their common room, the next day Harry and Crystal were given their schedules at breakfast. Harry pretended not to notice that Crystal was trying not to make contact with him as they ate but couldn't help herself.

Harry decided to save her the trouble and just held her right hand in his left, she looked startled and immediately began blushing. She looked around and was glad that there were barley any people here.

"What are you doing?" She asked, not unpleased but still embarrassed

"You wanted to touch me, so I'm helping you" Harry smiled

"I…I didn't want to touch you" Crystal fibbed, she felt a slight tightening in her chest

"Ah" Harry noticed her discomfort "that's probably because of the bond, you can't lie to me"

"What?!" Crystal blurted out in surprise

"Your siren bond" Harry clarified "I've read up on Sirens, I heard lots of stories about them and a lot of other mythical creatures when I was younger so when I finally realised that they were real and got the chance to study them I drove right in. Plus I used to know another Siren before she died and she had told me a lot about them"

"How…how did you know I was a Siren?"

"Well" Harry said, he couldn't really use the 'I came from the future' so he told her the reason he had prepared the previous night "it's simple, when we touched in the train I saw you and guessed that something happened between us. Yesterday on the boats you liked being by the water and I remembered that Sirens are creatures of water and air, plus you kept trying to touch me yesterday at the feast. From what I'm guessing I think we've siren bonded"

"Uh…I'm….I'm not sure" She admitted "I sent a letter to my family to ask and…and I was going to go to the teachers and ask them"

"You don't need to do that" Harry said, not wanting Dumbledore to interfere again "I'll help you, I used to know a siren and she told me a lot about sirens. Plus if you don't believe me then you can ask your family and look up the library."

"Uh…thanks…but…do you know what the bond means?" She asked nervously

"As far as I can remember it means that we'll need regular contact, you'll never be able to be with another man, we'll be together forever and you'll have to do whatever I say and you can't intentionally harm me in anyway"

"Yeah" She looked away, tears dropped down her eyes "that's what it means. I'm…I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do it"

"Of course you didn't mean to do it" Harry wiped her tears away from her "you'd never intentionally put your entire life in the hands of a crazy boy you had just met."

"I…it's just this was so unexpected! I mean….you're stuck with me…and I've trapped us both and…"

"And nothing" Harry cut her off "I'm sorry that you're upset but I'm not."

"You're not?" She asked with disbelief

"Oh, no I was falling in love with you so it works out" Harry said calmly as he sipped some juice, he turned and nearly laughed at her dropped jaw "come on Siren" Harry kissed her on the cheek and pulled her up to her feet "it's time for class" Crystal could only nod and follow him, her hand still in his.

* * *

Harry and Crystal arrived at transfigurations class.

"We're early" Crystal pointed out

"Meh" Harry shrugged his shoulders before noticing the familiar cat on the desk "ooh, kitty" Harry knew this was McGonagall but couldn't help himself.

He walked over and pulled a mouse toy and tossed it to the cat, who looked irritated. She pushed the toy away with her paw.

"No, listen up Kitty, you're supposed to play with it" Harry said and McGonagall glared at him "hmm, must not be a particularly smart cat. I'm going to call you Kitty"

"Harry, it could be McGonagall's cat" Crystal pointed out

"Please, if she's stupid enough to leave her pet in a magical school with basically no health and safety rules then she's asking for it to be taken or hurt" The cat's glare intensified

"Yeah but McGonagall doesn't really seem the stupid type"

"The hat she wore the other night would beg to differ" Harry replied "plus yesterday she thought my name was 'ridiculous', it's a shame when teachers can't read" Harry shook his head sadly. McGonagall had had enough and jumped off the desk and turned into her human form.

"Mr Potter…" She started

"The fuck have you done to Kitty?!" Harry said with a alarmed voice and face.

"Mr Potter I…"

"Bring back Kitty!" Harry demanded

"Mr Potter I am…"

"Kitty!" Harry interrupted

"I am…"

"Kitty!"

"Mr Pot…"

"Kitty!"

"I am trying to…"

"Kitty!"

"Would you please…"

"Kitty!"

"Mr…"

"Kitty!"

"I…."

"Kitty!"

"Stop that!"

"Kitty!"

"You…."

"Kitty!"

"Will…"

"Kitty!"

"Stop…"

"Kitty!"

"That!"

"Kitty!"

"Oh Merlin!" McGonagall threw her hands up in exasperation.

"Merlin has my Kitty?!" A horrified Harry screamed. Crystal was behind him and trying not to laugh, Harry had to hand it to himself, he was a good actor.

"No, Merlin does not have 'your Kitty'" McGonagall sighed "I am…"

"Where's the Kitty then?!" Harry interrupted

"Mr Potter" McGonagall growled "I am trying…"

"You have Kitty!" Harry suddenly screamed, he withdrew his wand and shot a spell at McGonagall that forced her back to her cat form "Kitty!" Harry screamed in joy.

McGonagall tried to transform back but to her frustration found that she couldn't, Harry smiled and picked her up, he held her overhead.

"Kitty, you're back!" Harry grinned "I saved you from that nasty old woman! I don't know what they were thinking, letting that insane woman teach. She didn't even try and answer me when I asked where you were" The glare he was receiving would have made a lesser man cower. "I know, let's keep you somewhere safe"

Harry brought the cat to the corner of the room, McGonagall looked in the direction he was going and was surprised to find a big blue cage that wasn't there before. Harry opened the cage and tossed her inside.

"I hope you like it" Harry smiled at the cat "there's cat food and a nice litter box in there for you, it's a brilliant cage. Only downside is once it closes it doesn't open for twelve hours" McGonagall tried to jump out but crashed face fist into the gate when Harry closed it, she widened her eyes in horror when she heard the click. "Don't worry" Harry's smile grew wilder "I'll put silencing charms on so you don't bother anyone and nobody disturbs you. I'll also put a blanket over the cage so that the other students don't bother you"

McGonagall watched, petrified as Harry pulled a blanket and slowly began putting it over the cage. Horror flew through her as the shadows descended upon her and she looked into the bright and mischievous eyes of Harry Potter.

"Aren't I considerate?" Harry said just before covering the whole cage and putting the silencing charms on

"Harry…you know that that was McGonagall right?" Crystal asked slowly

"Oh yeah" Harry immediately nodded "she's an animagus, that means she can transform into an animal"

"You mean you did all that for no reason?!"

"I did all that because didn't really like her and it was fun" Harry replied "plus I'm a bit crazy. if I was you then I wouldn't trust all the Hogwarts teachers, not every one of them is out for your best interests."

"How would you know?" She asked

"I'll tell you one day, I have a few secrets and I promise that I'll share them all with you one day but trust me for now, please" Harry said, flashing those brilliant green eyes of his

"Fine" Crystal replied, rather easily persuaded by his eyes. She knew that as she was bonded to him, he could order her to do it if he really wanted so she was glad that he chose not to do that.

"I'm just going to remove one of the charms so she can hear everything that's going on"

"Why?"

"It's funnier that way" Harry immediately replied and the two took their seats at the back, as far away from the corner with the cat as possible.

Soon the students began pouring in, Harry was currently having classes with the Ravenclaws but he knew that Dumbledore would eventually change it so he's either with the Gryffindor's or Slytherin's.

"Where's the Professor?" Terry Boot asked out loud about half way through the class

"Guess she couldn't be bothered to show up, so unprofessional" Harry shrugged, not being able to hear the hissing coming from inside the cage.

* * *

Later that day it was time for potions, Harry wasn't sure what he would do to Snivellus. He'd probably wing it, yeah, that seemed like a good idea. He and Crystal took their seats, so did the other Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws.

Soon the door flew open, Harry decided it was time to teach Snape that the only person who was allowed to be flashy and dramatic in Hogwarts was him, he wandlessly forced the door to return to its original position and it shut right in Snapes face.

The door opened about ten seconds later, Snape walked in slowly, blood dripping from his nose. Harry did his best to not laugh at the man's attempt to act as though nothing was wrong, Snape got a wand and quickly fixed his nose.

He then began taking the register.

"Ah…Mr Potter, our new celebrity" Snape said when he read Harry's name, in his previous life Harry had tried to keep quiet, but now he had a chance to annoy Snape and he sure as hell was going to take it.

"Yep, that's me" Harry said proudly, grinning at the oversized bat in front of him "Harry Potter, boy-who-lived and all that. Do you need an autograph? Who should I address it to?"

"Silence" Snape snapped

"Silence is a stupid name" Harry said as he wrote something down and handed it to Snape "I'm sure your parents loved you"

"Ten points from Hufflepuff" Snape ripped up the small piece of paper

"No, no you were supposed to take that to the bank" Harry said

"Why would I take your stupid autograph to the bank?!" Snape snapped

"That wasn't an autograph, it was a check for a hundred galleons" Harry pointed down and realised that the piece of paper he ripped up was indeed a check "if you think you're getting another one then you can forget it" Snape growled and continued with the register.

"Alright, pop quiz" Snape said suddenly "Potter, what would I get if I powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

"The draught of living death, useful for when people don't shut up" Harry gave him a polite smile, Snape was momentarily stunned as he recalled that he draught of living death was a sleeping potion powerful enough to mimic death. Was Potter implying something?

"Lucky guess" Snape said "where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"

"First option would be your potions cabinet, the second is any shop that sells them and the third is the stomach of a goat. Mountain ones work best apparently, I never figured that the type of goat matters when you violently reach into its body and pull out a rock from all the blood and organs but what do I know?"

"Potter" Snape said, ignoring Harry's comment "final question, what's the difference between monkshood and Wolfsbane?"

"The spelling and the way it sounds and that's about it seeing as they're the same thing."

"Ten points for your cheek" Snape replied

"Is that five a side?" Harry gestured to his right and left cheek

"That's ten more, now get to work!" Snape snapped and put instructions up on the board

Harry and Crystal made their potions rather quickly, they finished before everyone else and Harry then set off making something else in a second cauldron while they were waiting for their potion to finish

"What are you doing?" Crystal whispered

"You'll see" Harry whispered back

At the end of the lesson Snape had began checking everyone's potions, he glared at Harry's potion when he couldn't find anything wrong with it.

"Cheating Potter?" Snape sneered "That'll be…" Snape was cut off when Harry took a second cauldron and began gulping down all that was inside it. "Are you mad?!" Snape screamed and slapped the cauldron out of Harry's hand, it landed on the floor and a brown liquid spilled from it.

"What?!" Harry replied "it's just chocolate milkshake!"

"Why were you drinking chocolate milkshake?!" Snape demanded, his pale skin turning red

"Because it was tasty and I didn't put the effort into making it for no reason"

"You shouldn't have been making chocolate milkshake!"

"You shouldn't be teaching yet here we are" Harry replied

"Twenty points from Hufflepuff and a detention with Filch tonight for your blatant disrespect!"

Soon the class ended and Harry and Crystal were making their way out, Snape was tempted to read Harry's mind but after the last time he tried that he dared not do it again. He had to obliviate himself, he couldn't remember what he saw, just the utter feeling of dread and horror from when he saw it and his vow to never look into Potters mind again.

"Bye Snivellus!" Harry called before they left. Snape was about to take points away when he found something in his mouth, he spat it out and found his nose was leaking a lot. He didn't know this happened, but he definitely knew that Potter was responsible for it.

* * *

Later that night, Crystal found herself alone at dinner, Harry had gone off and she couldn't really work out where he had gone. She was beginning to grow quite fond of him, even without the siren bond. He was funny, kind and did his best to make her smile. Her thoughts were cut off by the sudden sound of screaming, everyone turned to the hall when the door bursts open and in came Harry.

On top….of….a….giant…..three headed dog.

"What's up bitches?!" Harry shouted from his position on top of the middle head while holding up two bottles of butterbeer "Funny thing about butterbeer, it's not alcoholic but can mimic the effects if you drink enough. Who knew?"

"Harry!" Cedric shouted "You're on top of a Cerberus!"

"Yeah...well there's two of you" Harry retorted, taking another sip of butterbeer

"No there's not"

"There is from where I'm sitting" Harry wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

"How did you get it to not kill you?!" Crystal asked, staring at the large beast standing in the great hall

"I don't know!" Harry smiled widely "I don't actually know how I got her either, last thing I remembered were some dead people and an old cat"

"Harry..." Cedric said slowly "in the nicest possible way, how drunk are you?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Yes"

"Fluffy?!" Hagrid blurted out in surprise as he had just entered the hall.

"Not anymore" Harry smiled and pointed to the left head "that one is now Matt Murdock, named after my favourite superhero. The other head" Harry pointed to the right head "is Bruce Lee because who doesn't love Bruce Lee and why not? This middle head, is the terrifying, the deadly….Pete. Named after the janitor in my old primary school, nice guy Pete."

"What are you doing Mr Potter?" Dumbledore said from his position at the high table

"Making friends!" Harry shouted "Oi, Crystal, do you want to ride?"

"Uh….sure, why not?" Crystal replied, deciding to just go with it.

"Matt, if you wouldn't mind" Harry said and the left head lowered it's head for Crystal to climb on, Crystal laughed and climbed up the head and ran up so she sat behind Harry, wrapping her arms around him. "And now" Harry shouted "we ride!" The cerberus turned around and ran out of the hall.

Albus Dumbledore, the man considered to be the greatest wizard of all time had self control like no other. He was always great at keeping control of his emotions, he had to be to maintain his famous grandfather look with people who annoyed him. But at that moment, he just could not stop the words that came out of his mouth.

"THE FUCK?!"

* * *

**Next time: **

**"Mr Potter! Let go!" Dumbledore screamed**

**"Potter! Get off of his beard!" Snape snapped and tried to pull the boy off**

**"No!" Harry screamed in protest "I nearly got it! I nearly have it! I'll show you!"**

**"Potter, stop this foolishness and release him!" McGonagall commanded, also trying to pull off the boy**

**"Nearly there!" Harry insisted **

**"POTTER PLEASE STOP!" Dumbledore begged**

**"Come on! Maximum effort! Aaaaararrghhhhh!"**

**"YAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" **

* * *

A.N: Hey guys, hope you enjoyed the chapter. I have to admit I was a bit worried about trying this story as it was more humour focused than my other ones but you guys apparently liked it so that's great. I'm considering making it longer than I originally anticipated but I haven't decided yet.

Anyway, I hope you liked the story, next chapter shows Harry meeting Dumbledore and it should hopefully be fun. Feel free to leave a review, love you guys


	3. Chapter 3

Chaos

Harry and Crystal rode around Hogwarts on top of the Cerberus that Harry had procured.

"This is amazing!" Crystal shouted as they rode past a group of frightened first years, she and Harry just barley heard one ask if giant three headed dogs are normal and if she could also ride one.

"You don't need to shout" Harry said calmly

"Sorry" She smiled sheepishly "just a bit of difficulty believing what's happening. You're crazy, do you know that?"

"Maybe I am" Harry shrugged "but all I really want is to be free. I want to be free and be me, I want to be allowed to have fun and live my life the way I want to. You should do it too"

"Do what?"

"Be yourself" Harry replied "forget what other people think, be yourself and join me in my mission."

"What mission is that?"

"Have complete and total fun and cause anarchy and chaos at the expense of jackasses" Harry replied

"Ha" She laughed "I'm in"

"Wow" Harry looked at her with wide eyes "you don't take much convincing"

"Hey, I'm siren bonded to you" She reminded him "I'm basically your slave now"

"True, but I am not treating you like one" Harry replied "you're my equal, my partner in crime, my friend. What do you say? Are you in?"

"Sure I ….wait…you're not drunk" She realised

"Never said I was" Harry pointed out "just said you could get similar effects to being drunk if you drink enough butterbeer. Loopholes, you need to learn to use them, they can be very helpful. So can misdirection and implication through words, use them right and you can get a lot of people to do a lot of things"

"Oh, teach me master" Crystal said with a dramatic bow

"Worry not my young apprentice" Harry grinned "I shall teach you the ways of chaos and mischief"

"To chaos" She cheered

"Chaos!" Harry laughed

* * *

Harry soon found himself being sent into the headmasters office, in his previous life he had never been here before his second year. But this time he had burst in the great hall with what was the guard for the stone and a dangerous beast so he could admit that he may have a reason for being called in.

He entered and found Dumbledore sitting behind his desk with Snape standing on Dumbledore's right and McGonagall on his left.

"What's new kitty cat?" Harry greeted McGonagall then turned to Snape without even waiting for her reaction "hello batman"

"Did you just call me batman?" Snape asked slowly with a dangerous edge in his voice

"Well, I would've called you Bruce Wayne but he was rich and handsome and you're…not" Harry sat down opposite Dumbledore

"Hello Harry" Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling. Harry smiled back, even though he was resisting the urge to stab the old man in the eye "it's a pleasure to meet you"

"Understandable" Harry grinned. Dumbledore reached his hand closer to his bowl of lemon drops, Harry recognised this as the custom 'offering of the lemon drops' and cut Dumbledore off by taking the bowl. He ignored Dumbledore's shocked expression and tossed one of those sweets into his mouth. "Not bad" Harry complimented the sweets

"Now Harry, I've called you into my office for a reason"

"Yes, now I'm flattered Dumbledore but I am not interested in older people…..or men for that fact" Harry replied, taking great joy in the shocked expression of Dumbledore, the rage in Snape and the reddening McGonagall.

"Mr Potter, that is not why I had called you here" Dumbledore responded

"Good because I'm also not interested in people with beards and you fit into all three categories" Harry replied

"Quiet Potter!" Snape snapped

"Alright, I perfectly understand" Harry smiled at the potions master "you want me to be quiet, I will be quiet. Zip the lip, shut the mouth, silence the face and all that. I can do that, I'm sure I can do that and I know that you know that I can do that and I have to say that you're faith in me is very kind. And I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that so that makes your comment even more inspiring.

I'll be quiet, quiet as a mouse. Quieter than a mouse in fact, have you ever met a mouse? Noisy little creatures, always squeaking and running. Honestly, if it wasn't for Jerry, from Tom and Jerry, then I probably wouldn't like them at all. Tom and Jerry is one of my favourite cartoons, do you have a favourite cartoon or TV show? Is it Batman? I bet it's batman, please tell me that you have at least one projectile on you. Is it a Snapearang? I bet it's a Snapearang? Ooh, do you have a Snape mobile? You have to have a Snape mobile! Please tell me you have a Snape mobile and a theme song. I can hear it now.

'Na na na na na na Snape man! Na na na na na na Snape man! Snape man! Snape man! Snape man!'

Unless you prefer this over one, it's not quite as good but I rather like it.

Snark, snark snark. Snark snark snarky Snape! Snark snark, snark snark! Sna….rk, sna…rk, snark!"

"Mr Potter!" McGonagall interrupted "that is enough, you will be quiet and I do not want to hear another word out of you! Do you understand?" Harry nodded

"Uh…good" Dumbledore said after a while "now Mr Potter, why do you think we've called you in here?" Harry remained silent "Mr Potter?"

"Speak you arrogant brat!" Snape commanded, Harry shook his head "What?! How dare you refuse to listen to me?!" Harry rolled his eyes and pointed at McGonagall

"What?" A confused McGonagall asked, Harry shook his head in annoyance and pointed at his mouth then back to McGonagall

"Ah, I believe that Mr Potter is implying that you said he was to remain quiet" Dumbledore guessed

"What nonsense is this?!" Snape growled

"Oh for Merlin's sake" McGonagall sighed "Mr Potter, you may speak"

"Oh thank god, being silent is so boring" Harry immediately replied

"Mr Potter, there are number of things I wish to discuss with you" Dumbledore said "the cerberus for example is one of them but the first is your behaviour during Professor McGonagall's class"

"About that" Harry said "I think it's very unprofessional of her to not teach her class"

"Unprofessional?!" McGonagall blurted out in a mix of surprise and anger "The only reason I was unable to teach was because I was locked in cage!"

"Why were you locked in a cage?" Harry asked, despite knowing the answer.

"You locked me in!" McGonagall snapped

"I don't remember that" Harry shook his head slightly "I did put Kitty in that cage"

"I was Kitty!"

"Psst" Harry leaned forward to Dumbledore "I think she may need a day or two off. She's losing her mind, she thinks that she's a cat"

"Mr Potter, Professor McGonagall is an animagus, that means she is capable of turning into a specific animal"

"Doesn't that make her more crazy?" Harry whispered, even though he knew that everyone could hear it "I mean, what kind of maniac decides to stop being human and grow fur and a tail? Plus, who would do it in a classroom? Isn't she essentially naked in her cat form? So isn't that indecent exposure?" McGonagall turned a shade of red never before seen outside of a Weasleys face.

"Enough of this nonsense!" Snape snapped "What about his behaviour in my class?! He disrespected me"

"I did not" Harry argued "I never said anything that was intentionally offensive"

"You brewed chocolate milkshake in my class!"

"No, I warmed it up" Harry replied "slight difference but I'm sure you can figure it out, besides you never said I couldn't"

"What are you on about?!" Snape demanded "Clearly you shouldn't have been 'warming' chocolate milkshake in my class! Any idiot could tell it's against the rules"

"Yes, well I'm not an idiot so that's probably why I didn't know" Harry winked at the raging professor "besides you never told us anything, you just came in the class and told us to make the potion. You didn't teach us the potions basics, potions safety or any of that. You just assumed we knew it and left us to our business. I presumed that because of your lack of care and effort, you wouldn't mind if I had some milk."

"Mr Potter, I'd advise you to keep your tone respectful " Dumbledore mildly told him off. Harry turned to Dumbledore

"Yeah, well I…..oh my god your beard is enormous!"

"Thank you Harry but I wanted to…"

"Why don't you shave? Or at least cut the bloody thing down a little?"

"Mr Potter, that is not important and I want to…."

"It's fake isn't it?" Harry pointed to the beard "It's a fake beard, isn't it?"

"Mr Potter, I assure you it is not a fake beard. Now I…"

"That's bullshit, it's definitely fake" Harry interrupted

"Language Mr Potter" McGonagall admonished him

"See here" Harry stood up and grabbed Dumbledore's beard, he then gave it a big pull, causing Dumbledore to move forward slightly and bang against the desk. Harry silently sent a spell to Dumbledore's chin to make it more sensitive "huh, must be stuck on real tight. Don't worry, I'll have it off" Harry pulled again

"Oooowww!" Dumbledore protested

"Did you use glue?" Harry asked before pulling on it again, he wrapped the beard around his hands and put his right foot against the desk and pulled. "Come on"

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" Dumbledore screamed

"Don't worry, I'll have it off soon" Harry said confidently

"Mr Potter! Let go!" Dumbledore screamed

"Potter! Get off of his beard!" Snape snapped and tried to pull the boy off

"No!" Harry screamed in protest "I nearly got it! I nearly have it! I'll show you!"

"Potter, stop this foolishness and release him!" McGonagall commanded, also trying to pull off the boy

"Nearly there!" Harry insisted

"POTTER PLEASE STOP!" Dumbledore begged

"Come on! Maximum effort! Aaaaararrghhhhh!"

"YAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Harry fell backwards and landed on his back, holding Dumbledore's beard or at least most of Dumbledore's beard in his hands. He looked up to see Dumbledore clutching his chin where he now only had a very small beard.

"Ah…." Harry said slowly and stood up "I may have been mistaken in my hypothesis regarding how real your beard was, but don't worry, I'll get you another one" Harry bolted out of the room before they could say anything.

"He's worse than James Potter" Snape breathed "he's actually worse than James Potter! How the hell is that possible?!"

"My beautiful beard" Albus cried

"Do not worry Albus, I'm sure that Snape could give you a regrowth potion for your hair"

"I need my beard! I look weird without it"

"You look weird full stop but I will go and make you that potion" Snape replied

"Hurry!" Dumbledore screamed before wincing at the pain.

* * *

Harry had arrived in defence class, just barely making it in time. He was right about Dumbledore wanting him to interact with Gryffindor's and Slytherin's as all the first years schedules had been changed. In Harry's lessons he was either with Gryffindor's or Slytherin's except in Defence where all the students had the class together.

"C…come in M….Mr P….Potter" Quirrell stuttered, the whole class looked at Harry

"Thanks Professor Riddle" Harry smiled, Quirrell felt a huge burning on the back of his head

"I b…beg y….your p…pardon?" Quirrell replied

"I said thanks Professor Quirrell" Harry replied, the burning died down for Quirrell and he turned around and made his way to the desk. Harry looked around for a seat

"Hey Harry" Ron called "come and sit here"

Naturally Harry ignored him until he laid his eyes on Crystal who smiled at him, Harry smiled back and made his way over and sat next to her.

"Hey beautiful" Harry greeted her

"I'm not that beautiful" She blushed

"Sure you're not" Harry said sarcastically

"W…wait here" Quirrell said "I w….will b…be back i….in a f…few m….minutes" Quirrell left the classroom

"Harry, mate" Ron walked up to Harry "why are you sitting with her? Come and sit with us"

"I'm fine here thank you" Harry replied, not even looking at the red head "so Crystal, did you miss me?"

"Why would you want to hang out with a Hufflepuff?" Ron said, Harry supposed that once Crystal grew and gained her allure Ron would be dropped jawed and glazed eyed as he usually was around nearly anything with an allure. So he really didn't want him around Crystal.

"It may have escaped your notice but he's a Hufflepuff" Crystal gestured to the Hufflepuff logo on Harry's robes

"Yeah but that's just because the stupid hat made a mistake" Ron snorted "everyone knows that Harry is a Gryffindor"

"I'm fine with Hufflepuff" Harry responded "the company is better" Harry winked at Crystal

"See Weasley" Draco drawled "even Potter knows better than to waste time with you" Draco walked up to Harry and extended his hand "as you can see Potter, some wizarding families are better than others. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort, I can help you there"

"Huh" Harry said, not really paying attention "sure" he grabbed Malfoy's hand and gave it a quick squeeze.

"Aaargh!" Draco screamed and let go, he dropped to his knees and clutched his hand "You've broken my hand!"

"No I haven't" Harry said, although now that he thought about it he had put in a bit more strength than he should have.

"Yes you have!" Draco shouted

"Alright fine, I'm sorry but it's not like it matters too much. I mean you've got a second hand for a reason"

"You'll pay for this Potter!" Malfoy growled as Crabbe and Goyle helped him up

"Fine" Harry sighed he reached into his pocket then took out a knut, he tossed it at Draco and it bounced off the blonde boys nose into Crabbe's hand "that should do you"

"That's not what I mean!" A red faced Malfoy growled "Crabbe! Goyle! Take me to the hospital wing!" The boys nodded and dragged their leader out of the classroom

"So" Harry turned to Crystal "did you miss me?"

"Oh Merlin" Crystal sighed with amusement "you can't help but cause trouble, can you?"

"Ah, you know me so well" Harry grinned at her

"Harry" Ron spoke "I'm sure if you asked the headmaster would put you in Gryffindor"

"Nah, I don't really want to go to Gryffindor"

"But your parents were in Gryffindor"

"My parents also had to study alongside Snape" Harry pointed out "needless to say I am not my parents because if I was then Snape wouldn't be alive right now"

"But you're the boy-who-lived!" Ron argued "You have to be in Gryffindor!"

"Weasley, the only things I have to do are breath, eat, sleep and wear clothes. Everything else is just optional" Harry replied

"I don't see why you don't want to be in Gryffindor" Hermione granger said from her position on the desk in front of Harry, she turned around to face him "the headmaster was in Gryffindor"

"Yes but the headmaster also wears the most horrible clothes I have ever seen" Harry pointed out "and it's worse when he's standing next to Snape who is always dressed in black with black along with black plus a side order of black and occasionally he adds black to it"

"You shouldn't disrespect the professors" Hermione told him off

"Who should I disrespect then?" Harry asked innocently

"Nobody, you shouldn't disrespect anyone."

"Well that's not fun" Harry replied

"What does that matter?" Hermione demanded

"Life is not worth living without fun" Harry replied "I mean I'd much rather enjoy myself than spend an afternoon reading and doing homework"

"Homework is important!" Hermione argued

"Still boring" Harry shrugged

"You need to study if you want to pass your exams!"

"Yeah but I don't need to study now because the only exams that matter are the end of year ones and those are at the end of the year so I have a lot of time until then to do whatever I want"

Hermione was cut off by Quirrell who re-entered the classroom, Harry spent the rest of the day answering all questions that the teachers asked before Hermione could for no reason other than to annoy her and to his delight it worked.

Hermione was constantly glaring at him the whole day, while fun at first it was starting to get boring. Harry figured that if she enjoyed looking like that so much than he'd help her out. He wandlessly cast a spell which froze her face like that.

A bonus for Harry was when he remembered that their next class was potions, Hermione had intentionally glared at Harry all the way to their class. When she got into class she tried to stop but to her horror she couldn't.

"Granger" Snape spat "why are you looking at me like that? Five points from Gryffindor" Hermione looked at him with horror which couldn't show on her face which was still glaring at the professor "I said stop it, five more points from Gryffindor."

This continued for a little while and Gryffindor ended up losing fifty points in total before Snape left her alone. The Gryffindor's glared at Hermione for losing so many points, their glares increased when Hermione had glared back at them.

* * *

A few weeks later, Quirrell did his whole faint act and claimed that there was a troll. The headmaster had sent everyone to the common rooms and then made his way out with all the teachers to find the troll.

They were out for a few minutes when they found it, not quite believing what they saw when they did. They were surprised to find the troll sitting on the ground, whilst holding a massive teacup. They also found Harry and Crystal sitting next to it with their own teacups.

"This is the life" Harry said, as he drank some tea from his cup.

"Oh, definitely" Crystal agreed, doing the same "wouldn't you agree?" The troll grunted in response

"Well, this was nice but it's time for you to go now" Harry said, the troll made a whining noise "hey, none of that. Off you go, back into the forbidden forest"

The troll let out a sigh and stood up, it's tea in one hand and it used it's other hand to pick up its club. It turned and walked away

"Bye" Crystal shouted

"See ya later" Harry added

"Mr Potter" Dumbledore said, Harry turned to the teachers

"Oh, hello" Harry smiled "oh look your beard has grown back, or do you actually have a fake beard this time?"

"I assure you that it is real" Dumbledore took a step back just in case "now would you kindly tell me what has happened?"

"Me and the lovely girl besides me were having tea when the troll came, we invited it to join us and it did. Then we enjoyed ourselves and I had just sent the troll away"

"But…but it's a troll" McGonagall said "it should have killed you!"

"Sorry if I disappointed you" Harry shrugged

"How on earth did you get it to sit down and have tea with you?"

"I asked it if it wanted to sit down and have tea with me" Harry replied

"Stop telling lies Potter" Snape commanded

"It's true sir" Crystal spoke in Harry's defence "Harry really did just ask it to sit down and have some tea"

"Do any of you want some tea?" Harry offered

"No we do not want tea!" Snape growled

"Alright, alright. Keep your wig on" Harry said as he and Crystal stood up "shall we my love?" He extended a hand

"We shall" She incline her head and took it and the two disappeared

"I thought you couldn't apparate in Hogwarts!" McGonagall exclaimed

"You can't" Dumbledore narrowed his eyes

"Awfully sorry" Harry popped back in "I forgot my lemon drops" Harry smiled as he picked up a packet of lemon drops and winked at the teachers and popped away again.

"Hold on" Dumbledore said "those were my lemon drops!"

* * *

**Next time:**

**Draco watched in horror as everyone began to look at the picture that was shown on the ceiling and on the walls of the great hall. People looked at him, some laughed and others looked disgusted, mostly the second one. **

**Snape chose that moment to walk in, he saw everyone turn and look at him. He looked around when he saw the pictures, a rage filled his body and he looked around until he found Potter smiling at him with an innocent face. The peace and serenity of that morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal.**

**"POOOOTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEERRRRR!" **


	4. Chapter 4

Chaos

"Crystal" Crystal turned around to see who was calling her name. She found Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger walking up to her.

"Yes?" She asked politely, although she really didn't like the two. They were constantly getting in the way of her time with Harry, her Siren side definitely didn't like being bothered when she was with her mate whilst her human side didn't enjoy them bothering her when she was spending time with her best friend.

"Where's Harry?" Hermione asked

"Why?" Crystal asked

"Just answer the question" Ron replied

"I'm meeting him in the common room, what's it to you?"

"Tell us where it is then" Ron smiled

"No, you know we're not supposed to tell other students where the common rooms are." Crystal refused

"But I want to talk to Harry!"

"Tough, you'll have to wait for him to be in class or in the hall" Crystal put her foot down

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"If I was telling you what to do then I would've had you shove your head down a toilet"

"You're being awfully rude" Hermione said

"Me?" Crystal couldn't believe the hypocrisy coming from the two Gryffindor's "Whatever, I'm going now"

"Where are you going?" Hermione asked

"Back to the common room" An irritated Crystal answered "I told you that already"

"Are you planning to spend more time with Harry?"

"No I just figured it'd be fun to go to the common room, ignore my boyfriend then go back out" Crystal said sarcastically

"Who's your boyfriend?" A confused Ron asked

"It's Harry you idiot" Crystal sighed

"You're too young to be boyfriend and girlfriend" Hermione objected

"Which is why we're not really doing much other than holding hands" Crystal replied "not that it's any of your business"

"You can't go out with Harry" Ron said "he should be going out with a Gryffindor"

"I'm sorry but I don't think Harry's into men" Crystal replied, Ron looked confused so Hermione had to explain what Crystal was replying and the boy's face reddened "besides, me and Harry are together, doesn't matter if you approve or not"

The pair were about to reply when they were cut off by the sound of wind, followed by a screeching sound then a crashing sound. All three looked to a nearby broom cupboard with broken doors, Harry popped right out of it ad dusted himself up.

"Sorry" He apologised "ran a bit too fast"

He walked up to Crystal, not even looking at the pair next to her. He kissed her on the cheek and took her hand in his.

"I thought we were meeting in the common room" Crystal said

"We were but I got bored, so after I burnt another copy of Hogwarts: A History" Harry said, taking great joy in Granger looking at him like he murdered a baby "so I thought I'd meet you and walk you about"

"Aw, that's so sweet" In response to Crystal Harry pulled out a sweet to give to her "that's not funny"

"Hmm, yes it is" Harry two turned and began walking away when Hermione Granger stopped them.

"Hey, stop" She said, the couple turned to look at her "you can't be boyfriend and girlfriend, you're too young"

"Granger, just because you will never be loved does not give you the right to interfere in my love life" Harry replied

"You can't talk to me like that!" Hermione stormed "You had better apologise to me!"

"Fine, sorry me" Harry grinned

"I'll tell Professor McGonagall" Hermione threatened

"How utterly terrifying" Harry said sarcastically

"You should show the teachers some more respect"

"You should learn how to use a comb" Harry replied "I'll help you" Harry aimed his wand at her and fired a spell, Hermione tried to dodge but was a bit late and the spell hit her hair.

At first it straightened, Hermione was glad about that even though she was still angry at Harry. She was about to tell him off when she noticed her hair had changed colour, she was now the horrified owner of the only second head of pink hair in the school.

The first being Nymphadora 'don't call me that or I'll hex you' Tonks, but the difference was Hermione's hair was about ten times brighter as it was glowing.

"What did you do to me?!" Hermione screamed

"I straightened your hair" Harry answered "unfortunately it occasionally has the side effect of turning your hair pink"

"Undo this now!" Hermione demanded

"Sure" Harry fired another spell at her, except this one hit her in the teeth. Harry resisted the urge to laugh as her front teeth grew long enough to be able to get past her chin. "Whoops, that wasn't supposed to happen" Harry lied "I'll go and get help"

He and Crystal then bolted away, leaving a furious pink haired and big toothed Hermione who had to walk all the way to the hospital wing. Unfortunately for her it was on the other side of the castle.

* * *

Later that day Harry and Crystal were walking alongside Nymphadora Tonks, who was currently in seventh year. They were walking and talking when Harry noticed Ron Weasley was walking behind them, he was getting closer and closer.

Harry cursed his luck, he didn't have anything planned for the red headed idiot yet. Then an idea struck him, he looked at Tonks who was currently looking away and talking to Crystal. Harry rubbed his throat, adjusting his voice.

He waited until his timing was right, he waited until Ron had just caught up with them. Ron placed his hand on Harry's shoulder and looked like he was about to say something when Harry initiated his plan.

"NYMPO-DORA!" Harry said in Ron's voice and followed by slapping Tonks on the ass. Tonks yelped and looked back where she saw Harry, standing as still as a statue with an outraged look on his face and pointing at Ron Weasley who was looking at the general area of her arse. "TWAS HIM!" Harry exclaimed in his own voice.

"Hmm" Ron looked up at Harry "what'd you say?"

Unfortunately for Ron he didn't get to hear Harry's response as Tonks had chosen that moment to hex him. Which was why Ron found himself waking up in the hospital wing with boils and spots on his face, silver hair and wearing a Slytherin uniform.

He also didn't know that the boils were the only thing the that Tonks was responsible for, when she hexed him he fell and banged his head on the floor. The rest was just because Harry was bored, he took a couple of pictures and that was how Ron found himself walking into breakfast the next day and being surrounded by pictures of him looking like an ugly Slytherin.

That was one of the few times in history that Ron had chosen not to have breakfast.

* * *

Harry and Crystal found themselves in another potions class, the door opened wildly and Harry resisted the urge to groan. It appeared that Snape hadn't learnt that Harry was the only one allowed to be dramatic in this school.

Fortunately Harry had prepared for such an event, once Snape had entered he activated one of the traps Harry had laid. They were designed to be activated on a certain persons magical signature, in this case Snapes.

Snape had barley taken a step when he began sliding towards the front against his own will, he looked down and to his surprise the floor was covered in a green slime of some sort. The second trap occurred when Snape had reached just past the front desk, the trap caused nearly all of Snape's clothes to disappear.

Nearly all, Snape still had his underwear, even Harry wasn't cruel enough to subject the class to a fully nude Snape. Although looking at the man's pale and hideous body he realised that he already gone too far, he himself was resisting the urge to look away from the man's hideous body.

He didn't look at Snape because he thought Snape was attractive, more because he wanted to see what would happen next. Hopefully the humour of the situation would outweigh the disgust factor.

Snape had ended up sliding right up to his desk, where the corner of the desk had made a rather unfortunate greeting to Snape's junior Snape. Snape let out a rather amusing sound as he doubled over in pain, Malfoy had jumped up out of his desk and ran over to help the professor.

Harry, who had had enough of Malfoy's kiss ass act, decided that now would be an appropriate time to pull out a camera. Fortunately he was able to get one without a flash, it was expensive but the silent photos would be worth it.

Snape had taken a few steps away from the desk when Harry sent a tripping hex at Malfoy's feet, Malfoy tripped and crashed headfirst into Snape's rear. Snape was pushed forward and tipped as well, hitting his head off the desk.

The two landed with Malfoy's face in Snape's rear, Malfoys eyes widened as he realised what was going on he quickly tried to get up. Harry sent a stinging hex, he had curved it in mid-air so it would hit Malfoy from behind.

Malfoy had just gotten to his knees when the stinging hex hit his hand, causing it move forward where it unintentionally slapped Snape on the ass. Causing Snape to move forward and bounce his head off the table again.

Harry put his camera away as Malfoy jerked away, 'poor choice of words' Harry thought. The class watched amused at the horrified look of Malfoy who had jumped as far away from the potions professor as he could while also being utterly horrified at the pale body of Snape. Honestly, did the man ever go out in the sun?

"Is he alright?" Hermione asked

"Who cares?" Harry replied, he was glad to see that most people agreed with him.

"Ten points from Gryffindor" Snape groaned, Harry wondered if the man had forgot that Harry was in Hufflepuff "Hufflepuff as well" Ah, apparently he hadn't.

"Oh, son of a bitch" Harry cursed

"Language" Hermione scolded

"English" Harry replied

"You know what I meant"

"How do you know?" Harry asked

"It's obvious" Hermione answered

"Yeah well a long time ago it was obvious that the earth was flat and a couple of years ago it was obvious that witches and wizards don't exist" Harry countered

"That's ridiculous"

"No, that's a fact" Harry smirked "that's right, I can say smart words too. Listen to this, 'molecules'."

"Ten more points from Hufflepuff" Snape groaned and stood up.

"Ah" Harry looked at Snape "the eyes move and the mouth opens but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he sir?"

"Quiet Potter, you arrogant brat. Just like your father!" Harry was getting a bit annoyed at the greasy haired man.

Snape took a step forward, unfortunately his underwear was rather lose and Snape junior slipped out. Harry, who was coming with ways to make Snape pay, noticed that at the same time as the rest of the class. His anger and rage had fallen away and allowed his anger and horror to take over.

"AHHHHHHHH! MY RAGE HAS BLINDED ME!" Harry fell on to the ground and covered his eyes, a few people other people doing the same. Crystal had vomited into her cauldron.

Harry wandlessly shot a blind banishing charm, after hearing the sound of something land behind Snape's desk he bravely dared to open his eyes. Fortunately Snape was now behind the desk and out of sight, Harry pulled his wand out and aimed it up high.

"You'll thank me for this! OBLIVATE!" Harry shouted and a light burst around the entire room, Harry wiped the memory of Snape's horrifying reveal from everyone, including himself.

Harry was left with an unexplained desire to get rid of Snape, he was a bit confused when his body suddenly shuddered. He realised that he could probably find the answer in his back up memory bank that he had in his mind, but he realised that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to look for the answer.

* * *

The next day Draco Malfoy had swaggered in at breakfast, he had entered and his heart stopped. The walls were covered with pictures, the enchanted ceiling sky was replaced with a single big version of the picture.

The picture was a moving image, as were all magical photos, of Draco and Professor Snape. It started with Draco's face on Snape's rear and ended with Draco slapping Snape's behind and then it started again.

The teachers were trying to get rid of the pictures on the wall and the ceiling but they weren't having much luck, even Dumbledore who was trying to fix the ceiling was unsuccessful.

Dumbledore had tried once more when the ceiling responded by shooting a bolt of lightning at the headmaster, much like a cartoon the headmaster was left with a burnt beard and hair along with damaged clothes. The best part was when the Elder wand had turned into a pile of dust and ash.

Dumbledore's eyes widened and his heart broke when he saw the most powerful wand ever to exist get burn, it was now completely and utterly useless.

Draco watched in horror as everyone began to look at the picture that was shown on the ceiling and on the walls of the great hall. People looked at him, some laughed and others looked disgusted, mostly the second one.

Snape chose that moment to walk in, he saw everyone turn and look at him. He looked around when he saw the pictures, a rage filled his body and he looked around until he found Potter smiling at him with an innocent face. The peace and serenity of that morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal.

"POOOOTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEERRRRR!" Snape, the animal in question had bellowed

"YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS?!" Harry bellowed in response

"QUIET YOU INFERENAL BRAT!" Snape stormed and stomped his way over to Harry.

"Rape alarm!" Harry pulled out a whistle and used it, it didn't really deter Snape who came over and grabbed Harry by the collar.

He lifted Harry into the air, his rage increased when he saw Harry grin at him, he couldn't believe that the infernal brat was grinning at him. The son of his worst enemy was daring to grin at him, he'd show him! He was going to give the boy so many detentions that his grandchildren would be scrubbing cauldrons in their final year just to help complete the detentions he had given their grandfather.

Snape would also raise a heir for the sole purpose of replacing him at Hogwarts and giving the Potters more detentions, then his heir would do the same with their heir. Yes it'd be a damn dynasty!

"Uh Professor" Harry said in a quiet voice

"What?!" Snape snapped

"I brought the wrong whistle"

"Why should I care about your blasted whistle?!"

"Because this isn't my rape alarm whistle"

"Oh Snivellus" A voice called and Snape's eyes widened, this time in shock.

"It's my dog whistle" Harry smirked

His face paled as he recognised who it was he turned, letting go of Harry when he saw the owner of the voice standing in the doorway of the great hall. Snape was hit with a stunner, and the whole hall looked terrified.

"Finally!" Harry shouted cheerfully and ran down to the doorway where he jumped at the man in the hallway. The man picked him up, Harry wrapped his arms around the man's neck and his legs around the man's body and hugged him tightly.

Everyone was more surprised when the mass murderer Sirius Black returned the hug, Dumbledore and the other teachers got to their feet and pulled their wands out. They made their way over to the two.

"By the way" Sirius whispered to Harry "are you responsible for those pictures?"

"I will deny it in front of everyone else but yes I am" Harry whispered back

"I've never been so proud of another being that was not your father…..or me" Sirius said and gently put Harry down.

"Sirius Black!" Dumbledore succeeded in ruining the moment "Step away from young Harry!"

"Very well" Sirius took a step back "Harry, take a step towards Sirius"

"Hmm, you're the boss." Harry shrugged and took a step closer to Sirius "Oi Crystal" Harry called "come over here and meet my godfather"

"Mr Potter, that is the insane criminal Sirius Black" Dumbledore informed Harry, obviously with the idea that his words would separate Harry from Sirius "he betrayed your parents"

"Hmm, no I didn't" Sirius shook his head

"Hmm, no he didn't" Harry shook his head "It was Pettigrew, he's been caught and taken to trial. In fact I'm sure you'll read about it all tomorrow"

Harry thought it was laughably easy to sneak into the common room and nab Pettigrew then anonymously send him to the DMLE. Of course the hard part was to make sure that Fudge and Dumbledore didn't interfere.

Fudge was neutralised by a simple prank letter which caused him to turn into a weasel, by coincidence, it was sent on the exact day of the trial. Fortunately Amelia Bones wasn't stupid enough to broadcast the fact that Sirius Black was getting a trial, otherwise many people would have tried to stop him.

Dumbledore was a lot easier to neutralise, seeing as he didn't have to do any work. He just told Hedwig to prevent the other owls from giving Dumbledore letters. It may sound stupid to some but Hedwig was both and smart and vicious enough to both understand him and obey him.

Although Harry had to put his foot down when he saw her try and flirt with one owl, she was too young to date. Even then Harry wouldn't let the other owl touch Hedwig until he was guaranteed they'd be back before evening.

Needless to say, Harry had a bit of a weird relationship with his owl.

"It's true Dumbledore, if you don't believe me then here's a copy for you" Sirius smiled and handed him written proof from Amelia Bones "it'll be in the prophet tomorrow. I am free, free as a…."

"Free prisoner?" Harry offered

"Uh….yeah, that'll do until I can think of something better. Oh, and I want to place charges against Snape for indecent exposure and attempting to harm a student"

"Now, surely that is not necessary" Dumbledore said "Snape is a good teacher and…"

"Dumbledore" Harry cut him off "Snape may know his potions but he has the teaching ability of a cluster of drunk colour blind hedgehogs in a brown paper bag. He has the social skills of a vampire that's been forced to work in child care. He has less friends than I had when I was a baby, he's more hated than dragon pox and he's about as fun as diarrhoea on a hot day, a one legged man has a better chance of winning an arse kicking contest than Snape has of teaching anything useful.

He's not smart enough to be a smartass which is why he is just a regular ass, he looks at children like a pervert would look at his sister. It's rather disturbing the amount of staring he does. My left toenail is more qualified to teach potions, my right testicle is twice as professional and attractive and the only thing that smells as bad as him is my fat muggle uncles left armpit after a day out in the scorching weather of England on a Tuesday.

To call him human is to call him one of us and I'd rather blood adopt a gerbil and marry a rabies infested dog on a drunk day out in Turkmenistan whilst wearing a pretty pink dress and second hand designer earrings than admit to being the same species as that overgrown man bat. To call him a teacher is an insult to the people who work in this school and to let him near students is the worst possible thing anyone has done since that time when the high chief of all Vikings ordered all of his warriors battle helmets with the horns on the inside. He looks, moves and dresses like a bat yet doesn't know who Adam West is and that's just fucking unacceptable.

He has the breath of two trolls who have just realised that oral sex is fun and plan to do it until they either run out of energy or the daddy troll catches them. A dementor wouldn't kiss him out of fear of the other dementors making fun of him for being the one responsible for kissing Snape. He'd give a werewolf indigestion and probably kill the whole thing off and I'm positively sure that Voldemort carved Snape's dark mark with a ten foot pole and an extended pencil just so he didn't have to go near the twat.

The best thing to do for all of us is to take him, put him in a shower with shampoo then ship him off to a Madagascar and toss him into a cave so he can be reunited with his family. Then, if we really wanted to find a use for him, we could perform sacrificial rituals using him and his flying brethren. To sum up, he's ugly and nobody likes him and just get rid of him already. Except for Malfoy but judging by the pictures I have to assume that that's for an entirely different reason than Snape's teaching skills, or lack thereof."

The entire hall fell into silence. Nobody spoke, nobody moved, but everyone looked at Harry. Some with surprise, others with awe and some with disbelief. Harry had set a record for dropping the most jaws in Hogwarts history, Dumbledore and McGonagall were too stunned to actually punish him for his words. Crystal slowly leaned in from his side.

"That was very...descriptive" She whispered

"Thank you" Harry grinned "made it up on the spot, believe it or not"

"I've never been so proud of anyone in my entire life!" Sirius said with awe in his voice

"Surely you must be exaggerating" Dumbledore eventually spoke, having regained the use of his mouth

"No I am not, and don't call me 'Surely'" Harry replied

"Mr Potter, Snape is willing to improve. Just say the word and I will make sure that Snape can improve, I'm positive the results would make you happy"

"I doubt that Snape could ever make anyone happy" Sirius scoffed

"I don't know, he's resignation and suicide would be great" Harry said just as Crystal made her way over "oh Sirius, meet my girlfriend and love of my life, Crystal, Crystal meet my godfather. Sirius Black, framed mass murderer, marauder and tied holder of the record for most detentions with my dad."

"It's a pleasure to meet you" Crystal greeted Sirius

"Wow, Harry you're in your first year and you've already got a bird?" Sirius said with amazement "Your dad took years just to get your mum to agree to go on a date"

"Yeah well, some are just better than others" Harry grinned and threw a wink at Crystal

"Is it too late to back out?" Crystal joked

"Way too late" Harry replied

"Now Harry, how about you go and walk me around Hogwarts?" Sirius suggested "I haven't seen the old place in ages"

"Brilliant idea" Harry grabbed Crystal's hand and began leading her and Sirius away "let me tell you about this one time I rode a cerberus"

The three exited the hall, leaving an open mouthed school and a furious headmaster.

* * *

**Next time:**

**"No! No! Dolores!" Fudge screamed "No! Stop! Someone stop...oh shit!"**

**"Aaaaannnnnnnddddddddd she's gone" Harry said quietly, everyone was quiet. Sirius was halfway between being terrified and wanting to laugh. Harry, with all the tact of a left handed ape in a washing machine, clapped his hands together and turned to Sirius "so, who's up for Chinese?" He said cheerily. Everyone turned to look at him.**

**"Mr Potter!" Fudge snarled**

**"What?!" Harry said defensively "It's not like anyone will miss her!"**


	5. Chapter 5

Chaos

Harry was relaxing in the Hufflepuff common room, Crystal had her head rested on his shoulder and they were both reading the same book. Well, Crystal was reading while Harry just enjoyed her company.

He couldn't believe how brilliant everything was, his godfather was free and here he was with the love of his life, doing something as plain and simple as reading. It was a shame that Dumbledore saved Snape from the charges, ah well, at least he could still torment the man. He had never been so happy, which made him narrow his eyes, him having fun meant that something bad was going to happen. That was how life worked, it was how JK Rowling worked and he had no doubt that JustBored21 would work the same way.

"Crystal" Susan and Hannah ran into the common room

"What's up guys?" Crystal asked

"Dumbledore wants to see you in his office" Susan said

"Oh" Crystal looked royally put out at the fact her cuddle time was cut short "I'll be back later Harry" She said as she followed the girls outside. Harry stood up and glared upwards.

"CURSE YOU JUSTBORED21!" He shouted as loud as possible "Curse you! You stupid ****! Oh...censoring me now are you?! You have stooped! Well **** you twice. You and your stupid stories with your stupid spelling mistokes! You had better make this up to me! Yes...you are making this up to me! And you'll do it by..." Harry stopped to think about what he wanted, his eyes lit up as an idea hit his brain "I want to get rid of Umbridge this chapter. Let's face it, you don't like her, I don't like her and quite frankly, neither of us can be bothered to deal with her. Deal?" The window let in a bright ray of sunshine. "I'll take that as a yes then"

* * *

"Ah hello Miss Peters" Dumbledore greeted Crystal as she entered his office and sat down next in the empty chair.

"Uh...hello Professor" She said nervously, Harry had advised her against trusting the professor. In fact he went as far as to sneak into her room and put a picture of him next to her bed with the words 'don't trust' on it, she got rid of it but that was not the point. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No, of course not" Dumbledore smiled at her as his eyes twinkled "I simply wish to discuss an important matter with you."

"What matter sir?"

"You're relationship with Mr Potter" Dumbledore said as Crystal tensed a little bit "am I to understand that you're his girlfriend"

"Uh...yes sir"

"May I ask what you see in Mr Potter?"

"Well" Crystal brushed "he's handsome...and nice...and kind. And...he goes out of his way to do nice things for me and he's funny and...I'm babbling, aren't I?"

"A little" Dumbledore chuckled, but it was time to put this conversation to bed "Miss Peters, you are aware that I am aware that you're a siren?"

"I am...aware" She said nervously "that you are aware...that I am a siren. And now you're aware...that I'm aware...that you're aware...that I'm aware that...I'll just shut up now.

"Have you siren bonded with Harry?"

"Yes...yes I have."

"Now I'd like to remind you that young Harry is an important person and people will have concerns about your relationship"

"But I care about him!" Crystal spoke passionately "I really do care about him!"

"I care about you too" Harry's voice echoed throughout the room

"Harry?" Crystal asked as she looked around.

"Yeah?" His voice said, she looked left and nearly jumped out of her seat when she saw Harry sitting in a chair next to her

"Harry?!" Dumbledore blurted out in shock

"Oh, hi Gandalf" Harry waved at him before turning his attention back to Crystal "you were about to say how much you cared about me?"

"What are you doing here?" Dumbledore interrupted before Crystal could respond

"Waiting for my beautiful girlfriend to keep saying wonderful things about me" Harry said as he absentmindedly picked up a lemon drop frim Dumbledore's bowl

"Mr Potter, those are my lemon..."

"Handsome eh?" Harry grinned at a blushing Crystal, he took her hand in his, her inner siren felt a lot more calmer

"Well...you are" She said as she forced herself to look at him, she had a small smile on her face

"Not as handsome as you are beautiful" He replied, her smile got bigger and Harry was sure that her beauty could probably cause at least five blind people to see and cause world peace.

"Mr Potter" Dumbledore said but Harry didn't respond as he was too busy looking at Crystal "Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! MR POTTER?! MR POTTER?! I'm speaking to you! Mr Potter?! Hello! Can you hear me?! MR POTTER?!"

"Uh...Harry" Crystal spoke quietly

"Yeah?" Harry immediately responded, much to the annoyance of Dumbledore

"The headmaster wants you" Crystal pointed at Dumbledore

"Tough shit for him, I'm your boyfriend" Harry smiled at her

"No...I think he wants to talk to you"

"Fine" Harry sighed and turned to Dumbledore "I'm flattered sir but I'm not into dudes and you are not nearly handsome enough to make me question my own sexuality"

"Mr Potter, how did you get in my office?"

"Well, when a beautiful lady wishes for me enough I magically appear" He nudged Crystal

"Mr Potter will you please stop flirting with Miss Peters?"

"NEVER!"

"And just listen to me for a second" Dumbledore continued "now, it may have escaped your notice but Miss Peters is a siren. Do you know what that means?"

"I won't have need for a harem when I'm older because she will more than make up for it"? Harry guessed

"No"

"I'll have to learn to start speaking fish?"

"No"

"I'm with the best looking girl in school?"

"No"

"Now hang on a bloody minute! I am with the best looking girl in school and how dare you say otherwise?!"

"Mr Potter, that is not what I meant" Dumbledore sighed "as a siren, Miss Peters has a special bond with you and..."

"Let me cut you off right there Dumbass" Harry cut him off

"Dumbledore" Dumbledore corrected him

"Dumbass" Harry continued speaking "I know all about the siren bond and all that. I've done extensive research and I know all about sirens, if she doesn't stay close by me then she'll suffer and die and I'm never letting that happen"

"Now Mr Potter, I really think that...you should stop eating my lemon drops" He said as Harry took the entire bowl "Mr Potter, those are mine!"

"No, they're mine" Harry said

"No, they're mine" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're mine!" Harry said

"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said

"No, they're yours!" Harry shouted

"No, they are your lemon drops Mr Potter!"

"Are you deaf?! I said that they are your lemon drops!"

"For the last time Mr Potter, these are your lemon drops!" Dumbledore shouted back "If I hear you backchat me one more time then I will put you in detention!"

"Fine!" Harry shot to his feet and grabbed Crystal before storming out angrily with both the lemon drops and the girl.

"Hmm" Dumbledore sighed "glad to see he knows that I...wait...son of a bitch!" Dumbledore leapt to his feet and ran after them but, to his shock and horror, he found that they were gone. It was at that precise moment that Albus Dumbledore, defeater of dark lords, fell to his knees and let out a cry. "That...was...my last packet" He sobbed. It never occurred to him that he could simply just go out and buy another packet, he was too busy, busy dealing with his broken heart.

* * *

"Have you done your homework?" Crystal asked Harry as they were in the library

"No, I was too busy looking at you" Harry smiled at her

"Would you be serious for one moment?" She asked with an amused look on her face

"I didn't know you were into older men" He said as he waved his wand and made himself look like Sirius Black

"Not funny" She said, tempted to slap him on the back of the head, but her siren bond wouldn't like that

"Maybe I'm out of practise" Harry turned back into himself "I blame you for this"

"Blame me?" She blurted out in surprise

"Yes, I have a set amount of chaos to produce every chapter..."

"Chapter?" She raised an eyebrow

"And you're putting me off with your angelic looks and heavenly smell and loveable laughter. Darn you and your perfection! You just have to look so pretty with all that damn makeup"

"I'm not wearing make up" Crystal pointed out

"Damn, you are beautiful" Harry looked at her as if it was the first time

"Thank you" She smiled proudly

"I need something...I need something to help cause chaos. The audience expects it"

"Audience? What are you on about?"

"The fourth wall darling, I'm breaking it, it's rather fun to do so. As of the moment I'm destroying it so bad that it's calling out for it's mother. Now, what do I need to get the ball rolling? Hmm, preferably an idiot or two. Yes, I need an idiot, any type of idiot"

**"**Hey, Harry" Ron walked up to him with Hermione Granger

"Oh, the worse kind" Harry commented as they came over

"Alright Harry? Up for a game of chess?" Ron offered

"I'm up for a game with someone's chest but they haven't quite developed yet" Harry looked at Crystal as if she had intentionally not grown yet. Unsurprisingly the joke flew so far above Ron's head it nearly collided with a plane. "Oi Crystal, do you want to go for a walk and a picnic?" Harry asked

"I'd love to" She smiled

"Awesome" Harry grinned

"Have you done your homework yet?" Hermione asked

"I have" Crystal said proudly

"Nah" Harry shook his head "too busy staring at her" He stuck a thumb at Crystal

"But it's due in tomorrow at ten!" Hermione said as if he had just forgotten how to make the cure to cancer

"I find half past nine to be a very productive time to do homework" Harry calmly replied

"You can't leave it to the last minute!" Hermione told him off

"I know, which is why I'm leaving it until the last thirty minutes" Harry smirked proudly as if he had just come up with the cure to cancer "see, smarter than I look"

"It's irresponsible of you to leave it until tomorrow" Hermione continued "homework is important and needs to be done on time"

"It's homework, not a woman" Harry objected

"Huh?" Ron said

"I get it!" Crystal proudly smiled

"Of course you did" Harry kissed her on the forehead which sent shivers up her entire body "that's because you're a smart girl, smartest in the school"

"Excuse me, I'm the smartest in the school" Hermione said

"I doubt that" Harry said

"Fine, I'll prove it to you. Ask me any question" She challenged him

"Fine" Harry stood up, Crystal took that as her que to do the same "How do you lift an elephant with one hand and no magic?" He left as he could see the cogs grinding in that girls head

"How do you lift an elephant with one hand and no magic?" Crystal asked once they were far enough away

"I'd start with finding an elephant that only has one hand" Harry smirked "that'll keep her distracted for a while"

"Harry" Ron clearly didn't take the hint and followed after him "sorry about Hermione, she can be right annoying"

"Yeah, she can" Crystal nodded in agreement

"Harry, why are you hanging out with her?" Ron gestured to Crystal, once her allure develops she would be the most sought after girl in school but as of the moment she was just another girl

"Because she fills my heart with joy the same way one of your silent but deadly farts would fill Snape's potion class" Harry answered with a straight face, causing both Crystal and Ron to blush, both for different reasons.

"Well...surely there are other people you could hang out with" Ron said, hoping Harry would take the hint and hang out with him

"Well, let's run through the list of people I know" Harry said "Draco Malfoy is a twat and I just don't like him. Crabbe and Goyle have the combined intellectual compacity of a deranged mule child, without someone telling them what to do they'd be more confused than a homeless person under house arrest. Pansy Parkinson is like a magnet"

"How so?" Crystal asked

"Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front" Harry answered "Millicent doesn't seem to like me, may or may not have something to do with the fact that I nearly cost her hair with a stray spell but who could say for sure. Let's move on to Ravenclaw, I don't remember any of them apart from that one girl who had a twin in Gryffindor. Already have plenty of friends in Hufflepuff, as for Gryffindor..."

"Yeah?" Ron nodded excitedly

"Dean Thomas may want to discuss football with me and I hate football. I am not being friends with Seamus Finnegan because I am absolutely CONVINCED that he is after me lucky charms!"

"What lucky charms?" Crystal asked

"I can't say" Harry said with so much seriousness in his voice that Sirius at his most serious serious moment would never seriously be as serious as him "he might find out" He added in a whisper, looking around to see if he could see anyone listening in. It didn't help that he saw someone move in the shadows a little way down the hall.

"What about any other Gryffindor's?" Ron pushed him on

"Hmm, you're right" Harry smiled "Neville!" He shouted "That guy is so interesting!"

"Neville?!" Ron blurted out in disbelief "Neville?! NEVILLE?!"

"Yes, he's the best!" Harry smiled "I'll go talk to him later, but for now, picnic!" He grabbed Crystal and lead her away

"Neville?!" Ron repeated "Neville?! NEVILLE?!"

"Yeah?" Neville appeared beside him

"NEVILLE!" Ron shouted at him before storming off

"What did I do?" A confused and slightly terrified Neville asked

* * *

"Oh, goodness me I am tired" Madam Hooch sighed as she plopped down into the staff room

"What's wrong with you?" Flitwick asked

"I had to cover another detention with Mr Potter because McGonagall and Snape couldn't do it" She rubbed her eyes "I had to have him write 'Seamus Finnegan is not after me lucky charms' fifty times. Just the last week I had to make him write 'I will not draw dark marks on sleeping students', the week before that I had to have him write 'I will not ask professor Snape if today's potion could be used as a sexual lubricant'. Professor Snape and McGonagall have had him write many different lines throughout the weeks"

"Like what?" Flitwick asked

"So many things. I actually have a list of things we've had him write since he's come to Hogwarts:

'I've heard every joke about Oliver Wood's name is not a challenge'

'I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl'

'I will not address Prefect Tonks as the pretty prefect'

'When Professor Snape says shake it, he is referring to the potion and/or it's ingredients, not my booty'

'There is no fifth Hogwarts house, and I am neither it's founder nor a member'

'I will not ask Professor Snape to allow me to punch him to see if words appear above his head'

'Professor Snape does not have a Snape mobile, Snape wing or any other vehicle that starts with the word Snape'

'I will not play pranks with the Weasley twins'

'I will not let the Weasley twins play pranks with me'

"I will not tell Draco Malfoy why his mother is a milf nor will I tell Ronald Weasley why his mother isn't a milf'

'I will not tell Ronald Weasley why Draco's mother is a milf, nor will I tell Draco Malfoy why Ronald Weasley's mother isn't a milf'

'I will not explain to the other students what a milf means'

'My mother did not create god's gift to human kind'

'I am not god's gift to human kind'

'Springtime with Voldemort is not an exceptional idea for a class play'

'Professor Dumbledore isn't, nor has he ever been, in love with a goat'

'Asking how to keep a Gryffindor in suspense and walking away is only funny the first time'

'Caretaker Filch is not a pedophile'

'It is not amusing to jump out and shout boo at Professor Quirrell randomly'

'I am not being repressed'

'I will not fight the power'

'Crystal Peters is my girlfriend, not my second in command for when I take over the world'

'I will not greet Professor McGonagall with the words what's new pussycat?'

'I will not run up the girls stairs to see how far I go before they turn into slides'

'Hermione Granger is a muggleborn, not a mover of porn'

'It is absolutely silly to confuse the word muggleborn with mover of porn'

'Professor Snape is not hiding a stack of porn under his desk, nor has he received the previously mentioned porn from Hermione Granger'

'I will not ask Hermione Granger for porn, nor will I explain what porn means to Hermione Granger'

'Professor Snape is not into bondage'

'I will not threaten to shove a school broomstick up Draco Malfoy'

'Having a girlfriend does not mean I'm better than Professor Snape'

'Ronald Weasley does have a soul'

'The forbidden forest is forbidden for a reason'

'Dumbledore is not stealing my sweets'

'I will not ask Professor Snape if I could borrow his porn for a weekend'

'I am not, nor have I ever been the sexiest thing to enter Hogwarts'

'Trevor the toad is not, nor has he ever been the runner up for being the sexiest thing to enter Hogwarts'

'Being ugly is not a requirement for the Slytherin team'

'I will not juggle three wands at the same time'

'I will not juggle three people at the same time'

'I will not juggle three jugs at the same time'

'I will not juggle three juggling jugglers at the same time'

'I am allowed to have a pet owl, cat or toad, I am not allowed to have a pet grim, King Cobra or sloth'

'42 is not the answer to everything'

'Draco Malfoy is not a girl in disguise'

'I will learn the difference between twins and double vision'

'Madam Pomfrey does not want patients because she has no social life'

'House elves are not suitable replacements for bludgers'

'I will not dress as a house elf to help promote house elfs'

'House elves serve Hogwarts and it's students, they were not brought here to serve only me'

'The house elves will not be told to refer to me as they're overlord'

'I will stop reminding people that my girlfriend is better than their girlfriends'

'Recognising that I am crazy does not give me an excuse to keep being crazy'

'My father is probably not encouraging my behaviour from heaven'

'I will not attempt to bribe Professor McGonagall with catnip'

'I will not attempt to help my godfather get some by telling the female professors once you go black you never go back'

'My penis is not bigger than Hagrid's'

'Homework is to help me learn, not attempt to brainwash me'

'The book, Hogwarts:a history, is meant for reading not burning'

'The library is for studying and homework, not spontaneously busting into dance'

'Hermione Granger is not my parole officer'

'I will not attempt to clone my girlfriend and produce my own harem' oh and 'I will stop singing the batman theme song when Professor Snape enters the room'. Honestly, that boy is so much trouble"

"Maybe for you" Flitwick replied "I find him to be a wonderous boy"

"Oh yes" Sprout agreed "absolutely wonderful, do you know that he's introduced me to a new muggle thing called marijuana? Needless to say I'm hooked on it. Would you like to try some?"

* * *

"Mr Potter, Mr Black" Fudge said joyfully as he and Dolores Umbridge saw the two in the ministry, Sirius had come because he and Harry needed to official. sign to become Harry's guardian. Harry had come because JustBored21 had promised him that Umbridge would be dealt with this chapter and he expected to see it happen.

"Fudge" Sirius said coolly as the two approached

"Oh, no thank you, I don't like Fudge" Harry said

"You what?" Umbridge narrowed her eyes at Harry

"I don't like Fudge, it keeps getting stuck in-between my teeth. My favourite chocolate so far is...I actually don't know. I'll have to go on a tasting spree soon"

"Pleasure to meet you Mr Potter, I am the minister of magic" Fudge said proudly

"Oh, I think I have a picture of you somewhere" Harry rummaged in his pockets, he pulled out a long pole, a ten foot pole to be exact

"Mr Potter?" Fudge looked at Harry's pole that had come out of his pocket, the actual pole, with disbelief

"Extension charm" Harry explained as he pulled out a pair of sunglasses "no, that's not it. Give me a minute" This time he pulled out a skateboard "oh, hold that for me" He handed it to Umbridge who just sneered and placed it on the floor next to herself as he began searching through his pockets. He pulled out a PlayStation, an X-box, dog treats, a few boxes of shoes, some hair conditioner, a lamp, chocolate bars, a wallet, leg warmers, a blanket, a bowl, a water bottle, flowers, bananas, a fake Thor's hammer followed by the real one, a toad which for some reason bounced towards Umbridge, four baby turtles, a green vile of ooze, nail clippers, a samurai sword, hand moisturiser, nun chucks, a bowling ball, a bo staff, web shooters, two sais, an autographed picture from Daniel Radcliffe and a pack of playing cards before he found the picture. "Here it is" He smiled and handed him the latest picture of Fudge in the news

"Ah...uh...thank you Harry" Fudge smiled as he looked over the unflattering picture, he needed to talk to the Prophet, they made his nose look massive in this "do you have anything else in those pockets of yours?" He joked as he reached into Harry's hand, but he quickly jumped back when he felt something hard snap on his fingers. "Ow!" He yelped as his hand got stuck in a mouse trap, he was so surprised that he accidently pushed Umbridge.

Dolores Umbridge, undersecretary to the minister of magic himself, found herself speeding down the halls of the ministry at high speed whilst on top of the skateboard she had landed on. Fortunately, for everybody but her, she was heading straight towards a pair of dementors that were waiting outside of a court room.

"MINISTER!" She screamed in terror

"No! No! Dolores!" Fudge screamed "No! Someone stop...oh shit!"

"Aaaaannnnnnnddddddddd she's gone" Harry said quietly, everyone was quiet. Sirius was halfway between being terrified and wanting to laugh. Harry, with all the tact of a left handed ape in a washing machine, clapped his hands together and turned to Sirius "so, who's up for Chinese?" He said cheerily. Everyone turned to look at him.

"Mr Potter!" Fudge snarled

"What?!" Harry said defensively "It's not like anyone will miss her!"

"That's not the point! Oh, poor Dolores! She's gone. Dead! We'll never hear her voice again!"

"And a SUPRISINGLY quick erection from Harry" Harry commented "shame the general thought of Umbridge cancelled it out immediately"

"Uh...we'll be off now" Sirius said as he grabbed Harry and lead him away

"Don't worry minister!" Harry shouted as he was being pulled away "Just because you pushed her towards the dementor doesn't mean that you're a murderer!" Fudge paled as he saw everyone turn their eyes towards him. "It's not like anyone will miss her anyway" Harry added before Sirius apparated the two away.

* * *

**The next time: **

**"Snaaaaaappppppppeeeeee" The demonic voice echoed. Snape began shaking violently, sweat poured down his forehead as his hands shivered.**

**"It's like every nightmare I ever had fused together, cloned itself, fucked the clone and then made those!" Snape gestured wildly with his arms at the reasons why he would never sleep again**


	6. Chapter 6

Chaos

"Excuse me" McGonagall said to Crystal "have you seen Mr Potter?" She asked

"Harry?" Crystal asked, before adopting a thinking expression "Um, about ten minutes ago, in our common room. Last I checked he said he had something important to do and he'd be right back"

"Did he say what?" McGonagall asked with a feeling of dread

"Not really" Crystal shrugged

"You'll never catch me Potter!" Came the voice of Seamus Finnegan as he ran past them at an incredible speed with Harry chasing after him

"OI!" Harry shouted "THEM'S ME LUCKY CHARMS YOU GODDAMN WANKER!"

"Found him" Crystal pointed in the direction Harry was running

"Thank you" McGonagall said dryly

"You're welcome" Crystal beamed before skipping away

"Sweet Merlin, he's corrupted her" McGonagall shivered

"Oh, hi Professor Riddle" Harry said as he ran past Quirrell

"W...what?!" Quirrell shouted

"I said 'Hi Professor Quirrell'!" Harry shouted as he continued running away "Seamus, I will kneecap you!"

"You'll never get me!" Seamus shouted back

"If I find my rabbit's foot is missing then expect my own foot to make it's way up your..."

* * *

"Mr Potter" Dumbledore said as he sat at his desk in his office, Severus Snape stood on his right side and Minerva McGonagall stood on his left. On the other side of the desk, Harry sat with a very innocent look as he smiled at the three "we are here to discuss your behaviour"

"Really? Why? There are far more interesting things to discuss" Harry said "for example did you know that the Peregrine Falcon is in fact the fastest animal in the world, at least in the muggle world. I don't actually know what the fastest magical animal is, do you?"

"Hmm, actually I do not" Dumbledore responded "on one hand you could say Phoenixes as they just flame travel to wherever they want but I assume you are referring more to fast as in physically running or flying, in that case I would have to say..."

"Albus, enough, I don't care about your blasted birds!" Snape interrupted

"Ah, sorry" Dumbledore smiled sheepishly before turning back to Harry "now Harry, we need to discuss your behaviour. I have a list of lines that I'm told you had to write"

"Oh really?" Harry asked

"Yes" Dumbledore pulled out a long list and began reading them "we would've done this last week but then that incident happened and you had to quickly leave my office"

"What incident?" Harry asked

"The one with my beard!" Dumbledore glared at him just as Harry went into flashback

* * *

_"Ah, Harry" Dumbledore said as Harry entered his office, Snape was on his right and McGonagall stood on his left, as usual. "I need to discuss your behaviour with you"_

_"Okay, by the way sir, I hate to ask but your beard is really long, it must be fake, right?" Harry asked_

_"I assure you" Dumbledore leaned back and had placed his arm protectively around his beard "it is quite real" He said, remembering the last time Harry Potter had got near his beard. _

_"If you're sure" Harry shrugged_

_"I am"_

_"Are you?"_

_"Yes"_

_"Very?"_

_"Very what?"_

_"Very sure?"_

_"Yes, yes I am"_

_"How sure?" _

_"As sure as can be"_

_"As sure as shurly the shurry shore whore who is quite sure?"_

_"I do not know who that is but my beard is real"_

_"Are you a hundred percent sure?"_

_"Yes"_

_"Two hundred percent?"_

_"Yes"_

_"Are you positive?"_

_"Yes, I..."_

_"Are you negative?"_

_"No I believe that..."_

_"Oh for Merlin's sake!" McGonagall interrupted "can we just get on with this?"_

_"Sure" Harry smirked "ooh, lemon drop" He reached out and took one of Dumbledore's lemon drops_

_"Now Harry" Dumbledore started_

_"Ooh lemon drop" Harry said again as he took another lemon drop_

_"Harry, I..."_

_"Ooh lemon drop" Harry said again_

_"You're eating them quite fast" Dumbledore noted "Now Harry I..."_

_"Ooh lemon drop" Harry said again_

_"Damn, they are quite tempting" Dumbledore admitted "but we really must.."_

_"Ooh lemon drop" Harry said again_

_"Enough of this!" Snape snapped and vanished the lemons with his wand_

_"You..." Harry's lips trembled "evil bastard!" He said before slamming his head on the desk, from the looks of it he was crying_

_"Severus!" Dumbledore admonished before he leaned over the desk and patted Harry on the shoulder "there, there Harry. I understand, I'm quite upset too"_

_"AHA!" Harry grabbed Dumbledore's beard and started pulling, looking at Dumbledore with a maniacal grin_

_"OH SHIT!" Dumbledore cursed as Snape and McGonagall tried pulling him away_

_"I knew it was fake!" Harry shouted as he kept pulling_

_"Harry! Harry stop that hurts!"_

_"Nearly there! YAAARGGHH!"_

_"OWWWWW!"_

* * *

"Hmm" Harry said after the end of his flashback "I don't recall"

"Anyway" Dumbledore glared at Harry for a little bit longer before reading the list "here are some of the things that you've had to write for lines in detention:

"I will not test if Malfoy's hair gel is inflammable"

"That was me checking out a potential danger" Harry pointed out

"I will not bungee jump off the Astronomy tower" Dumbledore continued

"Is there a better place to bungee jump off?" Harry asked

"I will not try to get a pet acromantula from the forbidden forest"

"But Lee Jordan has a spider" Harry pointed out

"His spider can't eat people" Snape replied

"We live in a world where shrinking potions are a thing" Harry argued "let's not dismiss things that are unlikely to happen"

"I will not steal Mrs Norris from Mr Filch" Dumbledore continued reading

"I was freeing her if anything" Harry replied

"I will not lock Professor McGonagall and Mrs Norris in a room to promote lesbian relationships"

"Oh come on, the chemistry was there, how is encouraging romance a crime?" Harry said, meanwhile McGonagall appeared to be trying to destroy him with her glare.

"I will not tell spend a whole day missing class because a lion died"

"A lion?! A lion?! He was no mere lion, thank you very much! MUFASA WAS A KING!" Harry roared "Poor Simba" He added after wiping a tear "stupid scar and his stupid face and his stupid on the nose, or in his case face, name."

"Uh...yes, anyway, moving on. Another line you've had to write was 'I will not add Bueller to Professor Bins roster.' You've also had to write 'I will stop doing cartwheels and flips while running around the castle and shouting 'Parkour' after every few seconds'".

"What am I supposed to shout then?" Harry asked

"He means don't do it at all, you brat!" Snape snapped

"You love me really" Harry winked and grinned at him, causing the man to glare at him hard enough to make most people feel like death was approaching.

"Continuing" McGonagall frowned at the both of them before reading the next line on the list "'I will not add yard sticks to the top of Ravenclaw tower', why did you do that?"

"Oh, a Gryffindor annoyed me so I thought I'd annoy them by helping Ravenclaw have a bigger tower, as of this moment Ravenclaw beats your tower by at least two yards"

"Fine then Potter, why did you have to write 'I will not charge at students whilst on a unicorn'?" Snape asked

"Because...I charged at students whilst on a unicorn" Harry said "I would've thought that that would've been self-explanatory"

"Don't take that attitude with me boy"

"Continuing" Dumbledore frowned "you've also had to write 'I will not trick Crabbe and Goyle into giving into giving Malfoy and Ron black eyes"

"Now hold on, I did not do that" Harry objected "I merely told Goyle that I heard rumours that Crabbe punched harder, he disagreed and I challenged him to punch the first person he saw, whom happened to be Malfoy. Crabbe felt a bit left out so he went and punched Ron"

"I will not punch people because they place toilet rolls under instead of over"

"I can't think of greater crime than that" Harry shrugged

"I will not hex people for putting the milk in before the cereal"

"Scratch that, that is the biggest crime I can think of" Harry said "milk before cereal, bloody barbarians"

"That was not a good enough reason to hex people" McGonagall scolded

"Than what is?!" Harry spoke in a way that lead you to believe he was questioning the existence of everything "I can't think of a greater crime than that!"

"Not even torture?" Snape raised an eyebrow

"If I may continue" Dumbledore said "Ah yes, here is a lovely line that says 'I will not steal the headmasters lemon drops'"

"I'm sorry are these yours?" Harry asked as he popped some lemon drops into his mouth after taking them from a bowl in his hand

"Yes...those...are mine" Dumbledore said, trying to reign in his anger

"Whoops, sorry" Harry placed the bowl down

"Quite alright" Dumbledore sighed "I think it's best if I just read the rest out loud, now please don't interrupt. Here we are:

'I will not instigate revolutions...again'

'They are laughing at me, not with me'

'I will not fake my way through life'

'I will not demand my fangirls to offer me a sacrifice'

'Draco Malfoy is not an arrogant twit'

Ronald Weasley is not a lanky twat'

'Hermione Granger is not learning as much as possible so she can overthrow great Britain'

'I will not do that thing with my tongue, nor will I do that thing with my toe'

'I can't change the spelling of words to whatever I want'

'I will stop cursing'

'I will stop actually cursing'

'I will not try to get people in school to pledge their allegiance to me'

'Chaos is not a real religion, nor do I follow it, and it does not give me permission to do whatever I want'

'I will stop doing whatever I want'

'Written pieces of paper that say 'I can do whatever I want' do not count as permits that will allow me to do whatever I want'

'High explosives and schools do not mix'

'I will not attempt to buy a dragon from Hagrid'

'Underwear must be worn on the inside'

'I will stop reminding people my mother is better than theirs'

'Having a prankster for a father and one for a godfather does not give me the right to prank Draco Malfoy for seven days in a row'

'I will not yell 'he's dead' or 'she's dead' during roll calls'

'I will not do prank floo calls'

'Ronald Weasley does not bounce'

'My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man'

'People will not morph if you squeeze them hard enough'

'I will not waste an hour in potions class to create shampoo for Professor Snape'

'Adding 'just kidding' does not make it okay to insult Professor Snape'

'I will stop insulting Professor Snape'

'I will not keep throwing balls of wool at Professor McGonagall"

'I will not address Professor McGonagall as pussy'

'I am not my long lost twin'

'I will not start fires to test our fire drills'

'No body cares what my definition of 'is' is'

'The headmaster is not a goat'

'I will not try to see if I can find a bezoar in the headmasters stomach'

'I will not scream for ice cream'

'Setting a record amount of punishments is not a dream goal'

'I have achieved my dream goal but I shouldn't be proud of it'

'And I will not wait for Professors to finish speaking before I leave' Wait what?"

The three professors looked up to see that Harry had actually gone.

"How'd he do that?!" Snape demanded

"I don't know" McGonagall looked around the room

"I'm afraid we have bigger problems" Dumbledore said

"What problems?" McGonagall asked

"He took my lemon drops...again!"

* * *

"Great double potions" Crystal sighed as she sat next to Harry in potions class

"Oh, my poor lovely girlfriend" Harry stroked her head "don't worry, I'm here for you"

"Thank you" Crystal sighed in the calm and relaxing feeling she got from Harry's hand "you're the best"

"Yes, yes I am" Harry agreed "now remember, if you can get through watching Ronald Weasley eat then you can get through this"

"Hmm, you're right" She said determinedly

The door opened, except this time it didn't snap open like it normally did. No, this time it was much slower. Harry raised an eyebrow, apparently Snape was beginning to learn his lesson.

"Quiet you insolent brats!" Snape speed-walked into the classroom and towards his desk, leaving Harry to believe that Snape hadn't actually learnt his lesson. "The potion is on the board, read it! Make it! And shut up!"

"So Crystal, I'll set up and you get the supplies" Harry said

"Twenty points for talking!" Snape snapped as he sat down and began reading his book, that action may or may not have erased any thought Harry may have had about not messing around today.

Half an hour later, Harry ended up with something...though he really didn't know what it was. All he knew was that he probably didn't want to drink it, might have been because it was black, might have been because steam was coming out of it, might have been because everyone who breathed it in ends up looking like they're constipated. Just in case, Harry put a bubblehead charm on himself and Crystal.

"Okay, what did you do now?" Crystal asked

"Um...not sure" Harry admitted

"Ahh!" A feminine shriek came from Ron "Spiders! Spiders!"

"Oh, it's a fear gas" Harry realised "hmm, not bad if I do say so myself"

"No!" Hermione shrieked "It was only one mark Professor! Only one!"

"Weird but not totally unexpected!"

"Crocs!" Malfoy screamed "Crocs!"

"I sincerely hope he is referring to the animal" Harry frowned

"Yellow! Yellow!" One Hufflepuff screamed

"How does that work?" Crystal asked, clearly confused

"Zombies! Zombies!" One muggleborn cried

"Okay, little better" Harry nodded

"Duck! Ducks!" A Gryffindor screamed

"Umm...well...I guess I can understand that...sort of" Harry shrugged

"Poetry!" A Ravenclaw screamed

"The fuck is wrong with these people?" Harry said

"Snakes!" Another student screamed

"Okay, that's good, we're going back to the good bits" Harry smiled

"Beards! Big long beards!"

"Mental note, lock that person in a room with Dumbledore one day" Harry whispered to himself

"Snape! Snape!" A Ravenclaw shouted

"Understandable" Harry said in an understanding way

"Also, Snape" Crystal pointed at Snape who was frozen in terror "wonder what he's thinking of"

"I don't, I'll read his mind" Harry said

"You can do that?" Crystal blinked "Wait, you shouldn't do that, it's wrong"

"Yeah...but it's Snape..." Harry argued

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Fine go ahead" She shrugged

"And that's why I love you" Harry grinned before looking into Snape's mind "okay, let's see what we've got, I'm expecting something good and oh...that's weird"

"What is it?"

"Well...it's me" Harry admitted

"Really?" Crystal asked

"Well, it's me except instead of one regular me, there are twenty baby versions of me riding on baby werewolves...whilst playing the clarinet"

"Huh?

"I am not joking" Harry promised "well, I can understand the werewolves and me, but what about the clarinets?"

"Why don't you read his mind more and find out?"

"Because that will involve me being more intimate with Snape and I am barely able to stand being in the same room as him" Harry replied as he exited Snape's mind

"Hmm, well he can't find it that scary" Crystal said

* * *

Snape's mind told a completely different story as he found himself stuck looking at baby versions of Harry Potter, the horrible proof that James potter had sex with Lily, riding little werewolves and playing the clarinet. The damn clarinet! He never feared any thing more than clarinet's, thanks to James Potter and the blasted Sirius Black!

His eyes widened as he saw the demon children speak, all opening their mouths at once

"Snaaaaaappppppppeeeeee" The demonic voice echoed. Snape began shaking violently, sweat poured down his forehead as his hands shivered.

"It's like every nightmare I ever had fused together, cloned itself, fucked the clone and then made those!" Snape gestured wildly with his arms at the reasons why he would never sleep again

"We're watching you" They smiled

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"Yeah, he's probably fine" Harry nodded in agreement

"Yeah" Crystal smiled

"Let's get out of here just in case"

"Oh heck yes"

* * *

**Next time: **

**"Huh, mirror of erised, wonder what I'll see this time" Harry said as he looked into mirror, he saw three figures standing, they were blurry but began becoming clearer "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Harry blurted out after seeing the Dursley's**

* * *

A.N: Hey guys, here is another chapter of Chaos. Though to be honest, I am thinking of ending this soon. I prefer my stories to be more natural but in this story I'm trying to force it all to be comedic and that's affecting my writing. Personally I thought I could do better than this chapter but I'm just not feeling this story anymore.

Perhaps in the future I might make a non-comedic version of it but for now I'm ending this. I will upload one more chapter to end it off because I'd feel bad leaving it like this, but the next chapter is the last. Sorry if that upsets you but I've lost the motivation for this story.

Thank you and goodbye


	7. Chapter 7

Chaos

"Oh Merlin" Madam Hooch moaned as she entered the staff room

"Lines with Potter again?" Sprout asked sympathetically

"Yep, we've got another list of line

"Let's hear them then" Flitwick prompted

"Fine" Hooch said as she began reading the list "alright here we go:

'I will not go to classes sky clad'

'I am not the heir to Hogwarts'

'I will not make rude gestures with my hands'

'I will not make rude gestures with my feet'

'I will not teach others how to make rude gestures with their tounges'

'I am not a rude gesture'

'I am not a rude jester'

'I will stop shouting 'gay' for every hour that Draco Malfoy exists'

'I will not 'Tarzan' my way through the hallways'

'It is not opposite day'

'Tovay is not misspelt day'

'I will not try to bribe Professor McGonagall with milk, balls of strings or any other cat related items'

'Professor Snape has a hook nose, not a nose that can be used as a hook'

'The Weasley twins are not my servants, nor am I their pranking god'

'I am not a pranking god'

'I will stop referring to Professor Snape as 'virgin for life''

'I will stop saying 'I'm going to see some pussy' every time I go to Professor McGonagall's class'

'My kingdom is not everything the light touches'

'I will not try and turn every other male in school into a female so my girlfriend doesn't get tempted'

'Just because Headmaster Dumbledore dresses ridiculous, doesn't mean I can'

'I am not vengeance, nor am I the night'

'I will not use the armours on the third floor so I can joust'

'I will not skip a day of school and dedicate it to the god of mischief'

'I am not the long lost heir or distant grandson of Loki'

'I will not make a fifth house called Loki'

'I will not put slithery on the Slytherin banner, annoying on the Gryffindor banner or bitchy on the Ravenclaw banner'

'I will not place best on the Hufflepuff banner'

'I will not rally students so the house names can change from Gryffindor to Potterdor, Slytherin to Potterin, Ravenclaw to Potterclaw or Hufflepuff to Potterpuffs'

'I will stop doing so many lines'

'Not doing lines means not getting in trouble not refusing to do lines'

'I will stop taking the words 'you can't' as a challenge'

'I will not flirt with everything that moves'

'I will not flirt with everything that doesn't move'

'I will not attempt to breed a liger'

'My girlfriend is not permitted to rule Hogwarts in my steed, nor am I'

'I will stop trying to corrupt my girlfriend'

'I will not blame my naughty behaviour on the author of this story'

'I will stop jumping out and surprising people while shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE MOTHER FUCKERS!''

'I will stop jumping out and surprising people while shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE BITCH!''

'I will stop jumping out and surprising people while shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!''

'I will stop jumping out and surprising people while shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU HAVE IT?!''

'I am not allowed to have a dragon for a pet'

'I am not allowed to have a dragon for a friend'

'I will not beat Ron Weasley in chess by tossing the board and destroying his pieces with a bat'

'I will not pay the twins to Polyjuice themselves as Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy and have them force Draco Malfoy to sit down and listen to them talk for an hour about how I 'conquered' his mother and how she is now leaving his father for me'

'I did not conquer Draco Malfoy's mother and I will stop adding 'yet' to that sentence'

'I did not conquer anybody's mother'

'I will stop telling having staring contests with owls'

'Growing Marijuana is not an extra credit assignment'

'It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously'

'It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously'

'I will stop setting Professor McGonagall on dates with cats'

'Giving Daphne Greengrass some green grass was not funny the first time, nor was it the four hundredth and fifth'

'I will not paint Lavender Brown lavender, nor will I paint her brown'

My girlfriend is not my secretary'

'I will not snog my girlfriend on Professor Snape's desk'

'I will not snog my girlfriend on Professor McGonagall's desk'

'I will not snog my girlfriend on the Headmaster's desk'

'I am not a desk'

'I will not illegally park my broom'

'Hagrid's beard is not an acceptable 'hide and seek' hiding spot, nor is the headmaster's beard'

'I will stop yelling 'come at me bro' unless I want an actual brother to physically come closer'

'I will stop yelling 'that is mahogany' every time Hermione Granger drops a book on the desk'

'It is pronounced 'milk' not 'miluk''

'When Professor McGonagall says she shouldn't hear bad language 'plug your ears' is not an acceptable response'

'I will stop standing up and shouting 'I volunteer as tribute' every time Professor Snape asks a question'

'I will not try to disprove 'Yolo''

'Spiky hair does not mean 'hair boner''

'The headmaster's beard is not compensating for something'

'Professor Snape is not creepy'

'Hermione Granger is not needy'

'I will not 'ship' people by forcing them to sit in boats'

'I am not a dalek'

'I will stop trying to make a dalek'

'I am not a time lord'

'I am not a Doctor, nor am I THE Doctor'

'It doesn't matter if I have a Tardis, I must still be on times for lesson'

'Ronald Weasley is not after my soul, nor will I offer him Hermione Granger's soul in exchange for him leaving me alone'

'It doesn't matter how impressive it is, sixty swear words in a minute is not a good achievement'

'I cannot copyright brilliance'

'My peinus does not have a stun setting nor does it have a kill mode'

'I am not the answer'

'I will stop saying 'that's what she said''

'I will stop having skillet play throughout the whole school every time I am depressed'

You know what, forget it" Hooch sighed "I've given up. The boy is too damn good at getting into trouble"

"He's father would be proud" Flitwick smirked

* * *

"Ah, this is interesting" Harry said upon discovering the mirror off erised, he quickly checked to see if Dumbledore was here, he wasn't but Harry had activated the wards so he expected Dumbledore to be here soon. "Huh, mirror of erised, wonder what I'll see this time" Harry said as he looked into mirror, he saw three figures standing, they were blurry but began becoming clearer "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Harry blurted out after seeing the Dursley's. "Why on earth would it be them?" Harry wondered, then slowly a forth figure sneaked up from behind.

It was Harry with a chainsaw

"Oh yes, that's much better" Harry grinned as that image ended just before it transformed into a picture of him and Crystal, growing old together with kids. Harry smiled and apparated out, basically ignoring the wards and apparated to the Hufflepuff common room just before Dumbledore began to sneak in.

Harry found Crystal sleeping on a sofa, looking the perfect combination of beautiful and peaceful. Harry couldn't help but softly rub his hands in her hair. He slowly leant down and kissed her on the forehead. He picked her up and carried her to her room and tucked her into bed.

"Love you Crystal" He whispered as he kissed her on the lips and walked out

"I know" She whispered to herself after Harry had left, her face suddenly had a big beaming smile that she couldn't stop.

"I feel like I'm forgetting something" Harry said to himself as he stopped just before going into his room "oh right, horcruxes...eh, that's a problem for tomorrow Harry"

* * *

"Damn you yesterday Harry" Harry groaned as he woke up the next day and quickly went off and dealt with them, he was done before lunch. The magic took a while to take effect and Voldemort got so pissed at the loss of his horcruxes that he accidently killed Quirrell that night, and by extension himself. Harry wasn't sure if he should laugh at that, he then decided fuck it and laughed anyway.

* * *

"We give up" The twins said as they approached him one day

"I beg your pardon?" Harry turned to them

"We give up!" Fred said with tears in his eyes "you beat us"

"Beat you at what?" Harry asked

"He didn't even know we were competing!" George cried into his brother's shoulder

"Alright now tell me what's going on or I will throw a Ronald Weasley at you" He pointed to George "and a Draco Malfoy at you" He pointed to Fred

"The prank war" Fred said "you beat us. We've tried so many pranks, turning things a different colour..."

"Sticking people to things" George continued

"Sticking things to people"

"Sticking people to people"

"Sticking things to things"

"Transforming people's clothes"

"Classic prank items"

"New prank items"

"But nothing worked!" They cried together "Everyone blames you for it!"

"It can't be that bad" Harry frowned

"Oh no?" George snorted "Watch this, oi git" The two said as they walked up to Professor Snape

"What do you..." Snape started only to be interrupted as Fred and George kicked him in the balls as hard as they could, Snape let out a squeak and fell to the floor, clutching his fallen comrade "d...detention" He squeaked out, the twins looked hopeful until Snape continued "Potter...I know this is another one of your tricks!"

"How does that work?!" The twins screamed as they looked back and forth between Harry and Snape

"Ah, well boys it's not surprising, I mean I am the heir to the marauders after all" Harry said and the twins head snapped towards him so fast that they nearly injured themselves "as for my skill in pranks, I've wrote a book that will help you" Harry handed the pair a book and walked away whistling.

"What does it say?" George asked

"Well George" Fred said as he read the title "it say's 'Chaos for dummies: A how to do book, learn how to do whatever the fuck, you want whenever the fuck you want. Buy one get one free, no refunds and not available for twats, prats, a prat's twat, a twat's prat, your mother and Hermione Granger because she'll find some way to ruin it'

"Sounds interesting" George commented "and it was written by the heir of the marauders, let's read it"

A shiver went through the body of every living being in Hogwarts

* * *

"Hi Professor!" Harry smiled evilly as he entered Professor Snape's, he had lost quite a lot of house points over the year and figured he needed to find someway to make up for it

"Ah demon child!" Snape said as he tossed a way a potion he was halfway through making and jumped over his desk, using it for cover

"Give me house points please" Harry requested

"What?" Snape's beady eyes locked on to Harry's as the top half of his head came up from under the desk

"I need house points please"

"Why would I give you house points?!" Snape snarled

"Well I suppose I could do something good to earn them" Harry said with a thoughtful face "though I suppose that means staying near you so you can see me when I do the good thing"

"Take ten house points!" Snape shouted, terrified of the idea of spending more time with the green eyed demon, the boy was so bad that he actually preferred James Potter to him

"But I've lost quite a lot over the year and I need more then ten, hmm maybe I could come to your room and do some cleaning"

"I reverse all the points you've lost plus I give you a million more points! Just leave!"

"Pleasure doing business with you" Harry grinned as he walked out, at the leaving feast the school was rather shocked when they learned that Hufflepuff had won. Even more so when they checked who had earned the most points and found Harry's name under it.

* * *

Harry watched his fiancée as the two of them took their vows, after their first year the two had gone to France and Beuaxbaton, they became good friends with Fleur who was in fact Crystal's bridesmaid. Hogwarts was glad to see them gone, well most of them at least, especially McGonagall and Snape. The two refused to even entertain the idea of bringing Harry back to Britain and would actively work against Dumbledore when he tried to make that happen.

Dumbledore had actually gone mad quite a few years back and was sentenced to a psychiatric home a year or two before he died. He had kept going on about how Voldemort was still alive but never told anyone, his reputation had taken a very hard hit.

"You may now kiss the bride" Said the minister

"You're goddamn right I can" Harry said as he pulled her into the most passionate kiss of the centaury

"I love you" She said after Harry had broke off the kiss

"I love you too" He said, just before he kissed her again

* * *

**END**

* * *

A.N: WOO! I am done. Wow, this story is completed. Merlin that was hard.

Now, while I did enjoy writing this story it did start feeling a bit hard and too much work. Normally when I write stories I just go with the flow but here I had to try and actively make it funny all the time. Some may not like what I've done but as I said before, I had lost inspiration for this story and I just wanted to get it over and done with. Personally I could have just left it but I figured it'd be nice to have an ending, I personally hate it when I read things and they don't have an ending or when the writer just doesn't give one or doesn't tell the audience that he/she is no longer writing for it.

I think I might rewrite this story, except next time I won't make it entirely humor based. I'm considering writing a fic with the same basic idea, Harry travels back in time to meet his siren lover and change the future, but just make it more like my other fics and be more about the story, the characters. What do you guys think? Let me know.

Thanks for reading through this, I've got some negative reviews and comments but thankfully I've received more positive ones. You guys found my work funny even when I thought it wasn't and that really warms my heart, so thank you. Thank you for reading, thank you for being a wonderful audience and thanks for just giving a writer a chance. Thank you, you beautiful people (well...I assume your beautiful, apart from the haters, I don't like you and you're ugly).

I hope you enjoyed it, fell free to leave a review


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